Nasi Tomato

椰汁汤圆

The one and only dessert I made for my guest-Alicia. I try eating it while it was still warm then I try putting it into the fridge.The tang yuen tastes so good with the cold coconut milk!!!!

A Make Over For My Bedroom

Before










After










Wonder what do I usually do after my exams? I will start cleaning my room since I have been throwing everything all over the place during my exams. I think I did a pretty good job in cleaning it.I like my room now!!!!! ^-^

A song that My sister and I always sing when we go to Karaoke

My family

Looking at Sue Yen's sister photos reminds me of my family.I remember my mum used to call me everyday I was back in INTEC. But,after I came to US,I seldom talk to my mum and my sister already.Even though they still call me once in a while,I am too afraid to call them already.I remember back at home,I will hide in my room whenever I feel sad and then my sister will always come and console me so I can't really hide anything from my family especially my sister.She is like my best friend whom I always share my feelings and thought with. Why I stop calling them then?It is not that I don't care about them or forget about them.It's just that I just don't want them to be worried about me and that's why I always call them after I have settled every problem that I face. I know that if my mum were to know that I cry very often and feel very unhappy over here,she will be so worried that she may even ask me to give up and go back to Malaysia. There are times when I feel so tired that I just want to give up but whenever I thought of them,I will keep telling myself that I have to stay strong for my family because they are the only reason that keeps me here. Maybe the cost of growing up is to suffer separation from your loved one but deep down I know that I miss my family so much.There is no really place like home.
.

Last day of class

Finally it is the end of my last day of instructions. To celebrate this special day,I would like to give a brief description of what I have accomplished in this tough and challenging semester. Firstly,I wish to announce proudly that I have only missed one single class for this semester which is actually an optional review session for every Friday and I have a pretty reasonable excuse for missing that class- to sign the 2008 lease for my apartment. Maybe some people will think that class attendance is not really a big deal but according to what I learned from my psychology class,attending class is one of the determinant for success in college even though it is not a sufficient condition for success. Among all the classes I have taken this semester,I like psychology the most simply because it is applicable to my daily life. However, I feel strongly that both cs courses that I have taken has prepared me well for my future career. Even though I struggle hard with my C++ class,I feel that I have learned a lot from it and it enables me to give more professional opinions about the pro and cons of different algorithms. To mark the end of this class, my professor decided to held a pizza party + review session(in the form of a game show) tonight so I am really looking forward for the party tonight and hopefully it will be fun.

First snow

Last night I didn't have enough sleep so I was quite unwilling to wake up for my 9am class today.But,it is the second last day of the semester before the finals so I get up anyway even though my head is still spinning.Suddenly,the brightness of the sunlight outside the window grabs my attention so I draw my curtain and found out that almost every corner along the street is covered with snow.It is the first snow of the year.I remember the first snow I had ever seen in US is not that beautiful since it is not heavy enough and it only lasted for a few hours but this year it is awesome.I wish that I have time to enjoy the snow and took some photos but today is such a busy day.After coming back from class,I had to go to TA office hour to ask about the problem with my circuit design. My TA turned out to be not that helpful but I still manage to solve the problem by myself. I was supposed to hand in my homework by 5pm but I barely finished around that time so I have to run towards the office and hand in my last homework for circuit design.I have never hand in my homework in the very last minutes before but I guess I wouldn't have chance to do it again this semester since classes will be after two days. When I walk out from the office,the sky is already dark. Sigh....I wish that I could at least take a picture of the snow.

Thank you for your motivation

I remember the first when I tried to make the sambal, I feel like giving up because it is so spicy that it actually burns my hands.But,because of my promise to you,I was crying while cooking my first nasi lemak. However,only the rice turns out to be nice and eatable but the sambal is such a disaster that Teda even makes fun of me. However,luck is on my side for the second time and from that time onward,I am quite proud of my cooking skills. So,today,I invited my senior to come over and tasted my nasi lemak.Hahaa.....He finished 3 bowls of rice and praised that I can actually start selling nasi lemak along the street in Malaysia.....Hahhaha.....He says the rice is the best compare to the eggs and the sambal because I put the right amount of santan and ginger...Hahhaha......But,he also comments about me not frying the ikan bilis before mixing it with the sambal.Sigh.....He always try to pick out my small mistakes....But,still,I am thankful for being able to learn how to cook nasi lemak by myself because I can actually cook for my friends whenever they visit me.I just want to say thank you for the person who motivates me in learning to cook nasi lemak.Hope that you will have the chance to try my version of nasi lemak....

My life

What have done these few days? I was attending classes,doing homework in front of my laptop and studying. I am eating just for the sake of eating.I am eating just to survive. I went to sleep when I am tired and when I want to escape from reading and doing homework. So,basically,my life is mostly dominated by my studies.How many hours I spend in front of my laptop?My answer will be almost every single moment when I am awake minus the time I spent in class.My roommate encouraged me to go out and socialize more often. I was quite surprised by the fact people actually have to telling me to relax and have fun because I was not that kind of person who like to stay alone in the house all the time.In fact,if someone was to tell me to stay alone for one day without talking to anybody,it will be a cruel punishment for me. Is it true that I have started to develop an antisocial personality?Is it true that I keep locking myself up in a small space and avoid those situation where I feel insecure? I am quite worried about myself and yet I don't know what to do. I know that I feel unhappy living this way but maybe this is what I choose to be. Computer is my only life for it will never betray me.

Escape from the real world

Today when I was about the step out of the house rushing for classes,my housemate ask if I am okay since she heard me crying last night.I try to force a smile on my face to avoid answering her question.There had been so many times that I had cried silently under my comforter hoping that the pain will disappear or I will be able to fall asleep in the end.But,I cried aloud underneath my comforter last night.Sue yen,I remember you telling me that I may not be so lucky that whenever I cry,I will have a listener who is patient enough to hear me crying.But,I realized that even though I can call somebody and cry on the phone,I still hope that there will be somebody besides me giving me a hug and telling me that everything will be fine.The sad part is that that somebody never actually exist.I am so afraid of living in the real world now because I am so afraid of having all kinds of negative emotions that will kill me deep down. This time I want to escape from the real world by entering the world of computer so decided to continue writing this post using the assembly language that I had learned.


START LD Post,(My Memory 1)
AND Physical Pain Crying, Painful Menstrual Periods
AND Mental Pain,Forget him while missing him, Pretend tat I am fine when answering
his call
MUL Torture, , Physical Pain,Mental Pain
BN Emotion, #H
BNN Emotion, #S
BZ Emotion,#R

H SUB Final level of happiness, Initial level of happiness, A call
S ADD Worse, Crying, Loneliness
R ROBOT with no feeling

ST (My Memory 1) , Date
ADD Date,Date,1
JUMP START

Never give up

I was really frustrated by the fact I can't really complete my mp in time but since there is a late hand in policy that allows us to hand in our mp 24 hours after the deadline for 20% off the total grades so I give it a try again.Even though I didn't manage to get it 100% right but I am happy enough since I am able to solve some of the major errors of program. Sometimes when I am losing confidence of my ability to program,I went downhill and the situation becomes even worse when I am working under pressure. There are so many times that I feel like giving up and just admitting to the world that I can't do well in computer science because I am bad at programming. But,whenever I feel like giving up, something will happen and then I find myself falling in love with computer science again. For example,this morning my Linear Algebra professor suddenly invited a speaker to talk to us about application of matrices in search engines such as Google and at the same time, my C++ professor also taught us about the implementation of the actual data structure in my class a few days ago.I am amazed by how those things related to one and other and at the same time,I was thankful for all the fascinating creations that was designed by intelligent computer scientist and I wish that I can be one of them.Maybe I just need time to acquire new knowledge.This is definitely a good sign telling me that I shouldn't give up so easily.

Sweet and Sour Sauce(With Pineapple) with Fish Fillet and Homemade Potatoes

Yummy!!!!I am craving for something sweet and sour these few days so I cook my yummy sweet and sour sauce and I added pineapple into sauce this time. Besides my improved sauce,I also make some homemade fried potatoes for the first time.I like it so much!!!!^-^

Crying is useless

Everything went wrong lately. I have tried my best to face whatever obstacles that are blocking my way to success but my hard work doesn't seem to pay off.I have somehow given up on trying and tired of working hard everyday but gaining nothing. I am not happy even though when I get high marks for my other classes because I have strong feeling that I am going to fail my c++ course. I feel like I have spent most of time on this course and yet I just couldn't do well. Is it true that I can only do things that I am good at?Does it mean that I could never succeed no matter how hard I have tried?I know that crying is useless but even if I did something useful,it still won't work.I went to TA office hours,lab hours,making appointment with my TA,sending email to my TA......Is there anything else that I can try?I really hate myself crying and having to admit that I am not smart enough to be computer science major.In the past few years,I had been holding back my tears and I only cried alone under the moonlight but now I just can't stay strong anymore.I have lost my balance of life.I hope people who love me are by my sides when I need them most but nobody is there.I have put too much burdens on my shoulders and yet I know that I can't really let them go.I don't want to see my puffy eyes when I stand in front of the mirror again and yet crying is my only way.Sorry for making you all listen to me crying on the phone.I promised that I won't do that again.

Shamini's Famous First Omelet

Shamini, above are the photos for your first and foremost omelet. Thank for cooking for me!!!^_^

First Love

I was alone for a long time.Then,during my 20th birthday,I make a wish-to find my first love. My wish did come true but now I regret of making that wish.Before that,I though the color of my first love will be my favorite pink accompanied by cotton candies and lollipops. I thought my very first love story will be kept in the small and delicate sweet memory box in my heart. But,then,everything just went wrong. I wish that I can erase the entire first love story of mine because it hurts so much.Now,first love is bitter for me. Sometimes it even kills me whenever I thought of it.It is not accompanied by anything nice and sweet but instead,it is associated with tears and pain. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't make that silly wish that I will regret forever.



Utada Hikaru - First Love - Fushigi Yuugi via Noolmusic.com


Get Video Code For YouTube AMV Anime Music Video - Utada Hikaru - First Love - Fushigi Yuugi

I am back to who I was now

When Shamini left today, I have a sudden feeling of emptiness. I am back to who I was before that. Working until late at night even during holidays, coming back with an empty stomach with all other homeworks waiting for me to complete.I feel so afraid to walk down the same path again where tears drop down my face every single moment when I am conscious about myself and my only accompaniment is the my pillow and the four walls around my room. Is it because I still can't let it go or is it because too much sorrow in the past that stop me from moving on?I thought everything will be fine.I thought I had recovered completely.But,maybe I am just pretending to be happy.I have went through all these terrible moments by myself.Even though all I did is just crying until I am too tired to think, I haven't let go my responsibility as a student.I was still studying and doing homework when I am crying. I realized that there are some clear water mark on some of my assignments because of my tears. Everybody asks me to move on. But, what does moving on means? Do you know what I have lost? It is not a just an useless guy. I have lost two friends, my trust,my life principles and my beliefs. I used to trust every single things that others told me easily but now I doesn't want to trust any other guy except for my father and my brother. For me, guys just appear to be helpful and sincere to a girl so as to take advantage of her and after that,he will suddenly disappear or turn into a monster who doesn't even bother to care about you when you are sick. I used to believe in fairy tales. But, now, I think fairy tales are just a fantasy that would never become a reality for me. I doubt if true love still exist. My main principle in terms of forgiving others is that I will never do anything to take revenge on those who have hurt me because hurting them will only make me as bad as them. But then I realized that there is a limit to forgiveness. How can forgive a person who doesn't even want my forgiveness? Moreover, is there anything to move on if I all am doing now is just the same as all I did before I was hurt? There is still tons of homeworks and exams waiting ahead of me and the only thing that I can do is just waiting for my tears to dry.


To my lovely sister, it is really not true that I doesn't care about you that I didn't want to mention anything about you in my blog but it's just that your love is too far away. But,I promised you that I will always have that special place for you in my heart. Sorry if you think that I am not tough enough to handle my terrible love story. I have really tried my best but the pain that I have in the past is too great that I am too weak to fight back.

A treat for my guest- Nasi lemak

Cirque Du Soleil

It has been long time since I watch a circus. It reminds me of my sweet childhood memories where I am so addicted to fairy tales.The show is really great and I was amazed by the quality of the performance.

My very first FISH!!!!! ^_^

Before cleaning


After Cleaning


Sue Yen,thanks you for your Cleaning Fish 101 class.The fish really smells so bad when I try to clean it. Let's see the result!

Bak Kut Teh(with pork and extra egg)

So,this is the bak kut teh cooked by my senior.He added extra egg and some vegetables to make it seems more tempting but I still think that the one I cooked taste better...Hehe

我变了

最近的我时常想起从前的我。望着镜子前的我，我突然觉得自己很可悲。到底最近发生了什么事？我究竟是怎么了？假如你问我最近在忙些什么，我会毫不犹豫地告诉你我在埋头苦读。我记得从前的我无论觉得多累，我还是会咬紧牙根去上课。但是，从前的我清楚地知道我并不爱读书，所以我往往只会临时抱佛脚。现在的我却天天把自己关在那零乱无比的房间里读书，仿佛我的世界就只有那无穷无尽的知识等待我去追寻，就好像完全与世隔绝一样。这是因为我变得爱读书了吗？不是的。我知道读书是我身为学生应尽的责任，但它并不是我的全部。这是因为我害怕，我害怕面对着那四四方方的墙壁，更害怕去面对我那破碎的心。我真的希望有人能轻轻地拍拍我的头，告诉我这一切会过去的，我会没事的。我最渴望见到的天使，到底你什么时候才会出现？我想在这个孤独的星期五晚上陪伴着我的仍然是那四四方方的墙壁与那不能说话的课本。

把悲伤留给自己

亲爱的朋友，
你知道当我将埋藏在心里的话说出来的时候，我需要多大的勇气吗？你知道我流了多少的眼泪才做出这个决定吗？我并不是要让全世界了解我的痛苦，我只希望得到那小小的安慰。我知道你只不过是出自于一片好心，但我却有一种被背叛的感觉。

遥远的你，
我真的只希望能有人能与我分担我的痛苦。我真的无意要说那些话来中伤你。我真的不希望看到全世界的人都讨厌你。我真的真心地希望你能活得快乐。我真的无意将我的快乐建立在你的痛苦上。对不起，我只能在此对你说声抱歉，希望你能原谅我的自私和无知。如今，我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么。也许我唯一能做的就是把悲伤留给自己，靠自己的能力去拼凑我那破碎的心。

叶子

我看着掉落在地面上的叶子，突然觉得我与它有好多相似的地方。曾几何时，它也曾生长在那温暖的大树上，享受着阳光的照射，习惯了被呵护的感觉。可是，好景不常在，一瞬间，那无情的大风把它吹走了，把它带到一个很远很远的地方。人们不再像从前那样欣赏它的美，甚至任意的糟蹋它。它一次又一次的从悲伤中爬起来。它多么希望能回到从前，回到那温暖的家，但它回不去了。它清楚地知道过去了的事不可能重来。它唯一能做的只有等待，等待着大风再次吹起的时候，希望风能了解它对家思念，希望风能把它带回到属于它的家。

对不起

当寂寞的铃声响起，思念又把我带到从前，让我想起当时的你。
我在无人的荒岛上流浪，寻找着一个依靠。
你的出现让我看见了希望，但你却突然消失了，让我重新回到那无情的荒岛上。
一瞬间，我失去了平衡，也失去了方向。
我不晓得如何去拼凑我那破碎的心。
我更加不知道如何去找回从前那无忧无虑的我。
我只好三番四次地找回从前的你，希望你能带领我找回我的方向。
我知道那只是个天真的想法。
我也清楚地知道我们无法回到从前，但天真的我总爱保留着那不可能实现的希望，盼望着我们的相见能带来的转变。
我真的不晓得我那愚蠢的想法无意中伤害了你，也伤害了我自己。
我知道我对你的好只会让你更加难受，但我无法控制我对你的想念，更加无法对你残忍。
现在，我唯一能做的就只有在此说声抱歉。对不起。。。。。。。。。希望你能找到属于你的幸福

To My best friend: Nobody can replace you in my heart

Last night I wrote a post about me missing my best friend back in Malaysia and then a few hours after that,she login to her msn.It has been such a long while since the last time I chat with her because she seldom online.I told her about my feelings and how I always think of her when I feel stressful. It turns out that she is struggling with the course that she is taking too and she nearly broke down a few ago. I understand that I am not the only one who is working hard to make things work.But,she said something to me that touches my heart.She told me that things just getting worse when I am not around her anymore. I have to admit that somehow I feel the same way too.Even though I have met new friends after that,nobody can actually replace her in my heart.She is the only one who understand me almost as well as myself and we never actually quarrel before.Every time I need accompaniment, she will always be there for me and we share so many things in common.We even share the same dreams together-to publish a Chinese book all written by ourself. Nothing can beat this 13 years of friendship.I really miss her a lot.I wish that she will be able to overcome all the obstacles in her life and be happy all the time.

Loneliness

Sometimes it is amazing how loneliness can strike me all of a sudden. I realized that every time after I go out with Shamini, I will feel extremely lonely while walking back alone to my apartment. Shouldn't I feel happy and satisfied since I just spend time hanging out with her? Maybe it reminds me where I belong when I have to walk down the street in the dark alone. Somehow I didn't feel attached to anyone over here.It seems to me that those who understand me are so far away from me. I really miss my best friend but I know somehow not only the distance has bring us apart,our different experience will also make a huge difference.I remember telling her that no matter how far we are from each other and how long we didn't meet each other,I will still have a special place for her deep down my heart and she told me that she feel the same way too. Maybe you just can't forget those who have touched your heart before. Maybe that's also why I forgive you for all the bad things that you did to me. Have somebody touched your heart before? I hope that I do have the ability to touch your heart..........

Pumpkin Carving contest

Finding myself

I realized that these few weeks I have so busy with my homeworks,exams and mps that I have lost myself again.It seems like I am constantly engaging myself with all kinds of activities to forget about my pain. Tonight I am sitting alone in my room and I thought of the question from a friend:What do I like to do? The first thing that came into mind is cooking but cooking is really not something that I like most.Maybe because that is the only thing I can do for the time being since I need to cook everyday anyway.I am not saying that I don't like cooking but I can't really fill in my leisure hour just by cooking because I will end up wasting all the food.So,what I really like to do?I like writing articles with abstract title like "The color of happiness" and "My feeling after a rain".Writing this kind of article reveals my inner thought and makes me feel calm and peaceful.However,I stop writing that kind of article after I came to US.There is always some other things that stress me out and I just have to deal with so many things that I don't really get enough sleep and food.Below is my photos showing the first year I came to US and the recent photo I took:
Before

After

Can you spot the changes?

Struggling to walk away from the past

I try to change myself to somebody else by buying all those things that I didn't even look at them before,engaging my myself in all kinds of activities and even learning how to scold others for bullying me. The only reason for that is to help me to step out from the shadow of the past. The past just tortures me so much that I don't want to have anything associate with it anymore. But, the past is still part of me.I realized that nobody can walk away from the past no matter how hard she tries. There are countless times when I was bullied for trying to be nice to people. I thought they will understand that every single relationship is a gift from God so we need to appreciate people around us,especially those who love us. But then,people start to take advantage of me. It seems like I really need to protect myself from getting hurt again. But whenever that happen,I cry, asking myself why should I treat them so nice and end up hurting myself.I am so vulnerable and so weak. My heart has been broken so many times that I become a person who lives in the dark because I am too afraid that brightness will reveals all the pains that lies deep down in my heart. Maybe I should keep my sadness to myself even though it starts to be a burden for me.

Easy and Yummy Sweet and Sour Prawns

It only takes less than 15minutes to make it and it tastes very good.Guess what?I didn't use ready-made sweet and sour sauce this time.In fact,I make the sauce myself.

Bak Kut Teh

This is my first time cooking bak kut teh and I invited my senior to come over and hava a dinner with me. I am so happy when he said that it taste good and even better than those he made since this is my first trial. He even write "GOOD bak kut teh" in his msn display message right after he went back! Haha....I think the key behind cooking is patience because I have actually cooked the bak kut teh for 4 hours already. Maybe I will cooked it again next time and invite shamini to come over.

Missing you

Even though I hate to admit it,I really miss you. It makes me feel lonelier whenever I start missing you because I know somehow I shouldn't have that kinds of feelings anymore. The reason that I decided to write it on my blog is that I feel that I will only get scolded if I tell anybody about it. How can I miss someone that hurts me so much? I don't understand. Do you what is the cruelest things that you did to me? It is actually all the sweet promises that you made. So, every time I think of you,I feel a sharp knife stabbing my heart and then I cry. I can't face myself.I keep scolding myself for missing you. Is there greater pain than the pain of missing someone who hurts you so deep?

Building a tree of images

Here comes my current C++ assignment.I just glance through the spec for my latest C++ assignment and guess what?Things get even more tedious and interesting this time.I have to build a tree of images! How can this be done? The basic idea is to let the root of the tree to be the whole image and the tiny little pixels of the image to be the leaves for the tree. I was fascinated by the fact that people actually come up with this novel kinds of idea to represent colorful images in different ways. For my last assignment,I was told to represent the image using a list. Now, I learned a more efficient way to manipulate my image - using a tree. It seems to me that people have to struggle to make their program as efficient and as fast as possible. Is it that important to have greater speed in everything? Sigh....I just hope that I can complete this assignment as soon as possible.

Physics Reunion

Today is the first day of my first termal physics class of the semester.After eating a wonderful breakfast, I walk to my physics lecture hall.It has such a long time since I step into the same lecture hall.I was exited because I really miss the comfortable theater-like lecture hall.I like the lighting and the comfortable chair.I remember falling asleep almost every single time when I had my physics lecture over there. Once I step into the lecture hall, I saw my lecturer. He has white and curly hair just like those of Albert Einstein. Maybe the "physics people" just use their brain too much.Haha....Then when my first lecture actually begins, I found that how fun and interesting it is to have so many cool demonstration. Right after my first lecture,I have my discussion section. I realized that I have to make use of all the previous knowledge about momentum and kinetic energy which is a bad news for me because I just hate everything about kinematics.Then,I have a difficult time catching up in my discussion group because everybody just seems to be so smart.Sigh....At the end of the class,my TA comes up with a conclusion that most events that happens in nature are irreversible. Ya,at least I can apply physics in real life.Things that have done can rarely be re-done.

Sue yen,I made all your favorite food specially for you!

Who am I in your eyes?

I found his notebook when i was searching for something under my bed.After reading through it,I found that he didn't mention anything about me in his notebook.It is not a surprise for me though because I can't find anything about me in his blog and facebook. Now,i realized how unimportant i am for him. I thought when you fall in love, the memory of your loved one will at least stay in your brain. The same question occurs in my mind: Has he ever loved me before? It seems to me that he doesn't remember anything about me or even bother to care about me. The worst part is he didn't even miss me or want to see me again.I am heartbroken whenever I think of that. What have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? Is it because I make myself too available for him? I thought the worst ending will only be a break-up but the truth is even worse than that.He didn't even want to see me before and after the break-up. He went back to where he belongs to and never come back after that.It is as if I never exist in his life. I have prepared for the worst before the relationship started but I don't even know that it is even worse than I have expected. I think nobody in the world will be able to understand my feelings. The injury that I suffer is too severe that I don't even how to heal it. Because of love, i get hurt again and again. How can I ever believe in love again?

Learning is a lonely process

I like being around with people,talking to people,cook some delicious food for people because I simply like to be in a crowd.Maybe sometimes one will tend to lose oneself in the crowd but it is always good to have somebody to provide moral support whenever you need.I always heard people saying that learning is about a share of knowledge but it is not true for me.I try to learn with others and share my knowledge with others but I realize that I have too much to learn and too little to share.Sometimes I am so frustrated when I noticed that I have to take a longer time than others just to learn a simple concept.I would like to socialize with others while learning from them but I would always end up falling behind.I feel lonely in the process of learning and thought of giving up so many times.Maybe being alone is not that bad after all.Maybe I will be able to gain more satisfaction if I went through the tedious process of learning all by myself. I am not saying that I do not need friends but if I were to burden a friend while trying to get rid of my loneliness,I would rather stand strong on my own.I know there is still a long to go.I still have some much things to learn.I think I have dropped enough tears to learn every single lesson.Over here,I promised that I will try my best to face any challenges with a big smile instead of crying.

Specially made for you - Nasi lemak

My love

Where is the guy I love? If he is still alive,he will be heartbroken if he realized the pain that I endure.If he is still alive,he will want to meet me and talk to me. If he is still alive,he will feel guilty of what he did and try to calm me down with his love.If he is still alive,he will apologize for everything that he did and promise that he will not do it again to me. If he is still alive, he will not forget his love so easily.If he is still alive, he will not walk away when I need him.If he is still alive,he will not let me cry alone.If he is still alive,he will not hang up the phone while I need somebody to talk to.The guy I love has gone.He has chosen to disappear and run away from me.He has abandoned my love which means nothing to him now.To the guy I love,your love is so shallow that I can't believe that it comes from the guy I love and it make me questions it again and again.If you think you live a better life running away from me, then you aren't the guy I love or maybe you never actually love me before.

Cooking

Sue yen,thanks for your post.He called my just now and I told him that I really miss him and I can't forget about him so easily as he did.I hate it when he said at least he lived a better life than me now.Who is the one who bring all this sufferings to me?Who is the one who make my life miserable?I feel like an idiot for missing a guy like that but I can't deny the fact that I really do miss him but he has changed.The guy I used to fall in love with doesn't exist anymore.I did do what suggest me to do.In middle of the night,I start cooking sambal which I may not even have the appetite to eat.Cutting the onion makes me cry again but I feel better because I didn't cook for myself this time.I cook for the old "him" whom I miss so much but "he" doesn't exist anymore.

Suffer

I cried myself to sleep again last night and I cried again just now while watching the television.I feel so upset that I couldn't take it anymore and guess who is beside me consoling me?Nobody.It has been a thousand times that I close myself in the room,hide myself under the comforter and cry aloud.Sue yen,I know you will scold me if I tell you about this again.But,when I really need somebody to be with you,nobody is there.At the same time,I am too afraid to tell them why am I crying again.It's hard to forget a person who hurts you so much and whom you love so much.I don't mind hating anybody else but the person that I am talking about is somebody whom I have fallen in love with and it really hurt me so much that now he doesn't even care about me anymore.There is nothing that I can do except for crying alone.I don't want to make myself so pitiful but the scar that he leaves behind is hurting me every single moment.I can still remember the day when he left,I was crying while hugging teda telling her that I miss him so much.Two days later,he asked for a break-up and then he doesn't even want to see me again.Imagine how will you feel when you are in my situation.

Love vs Hate

Sue yen,I guess you are right.If I am able to love a person,I will be able to hate him.Whenever I think of him,I really hate him a lot.I hate him for betraying my love.I hate him for not appreciating my love.I hate him for leaving me hanging by not breaking up with me face-to-face.I hate him for making our relationship such a terrible one.I hate him for making our happy moments a torture to me.I hate him for not being responsible.I hate him for not keeping his promises.I hate him for making me cry every single day.I hate him for being cruel to me all the time. I hate him for everything.............How can I ever forgive him?I want a revenge!But,I don't want to hurt his feelings by scolding him again because I end up hurting myself every time. Maybe I can try transforming the energy of hating him to doing something useful like cooking so I have decide that I will cook his favorite food whenever I think of him.

Hurt

Is there an end to the pain that I suffer?Will time heal my wound?What if the scar is still there after a long time?Why am I crying every time? Every negative feeling that I could think of comes to me because of the incident.Jealousy, Hate, Regret,Sorrow............All those feelings are so intense that I can't take it anymore.Maybe it take time but I am rushing myself to forget all about it because I want to be free of those negative feelings.Now,I decided to give myself more time.Whenever I feel like crying,I would just cry aloud.Please don't assume that I have healed completely if I seem happy because I think I need much more time that one may expect.

Memory

When I walk out from the exams hall today,the first thing that comes into my minds is to call him and tell him how do I do in the exams.I remember I used to do that every time in the past.But,now,everything changes.While I was walking back alone,a tear drop down my face.I was just a person who lives in the past.The past has had such a great impact on me that I will have a mental break down whenever thinking about it.I can't run away from it since I can't change the fact that the past still belongs to me.In fact,it is part of me.I know I can't change the past but why it has to interfere with the present?I am torn between the past and the present.What should I do to walk out from the shadow of the past?

The way to forgive a person

Sometimes you may be angry at a person for not being to do what you expect him or her to do but anger can happen in a short period of time and after that,you will wonder why you angry at that person in the first place.Of course,in this situation,the mistake that that person makes maybe small.How about forgiving a person who has make a big mistake which you think you never be able to forgive him or her?I am nothing but a normal human being.It will take lots of courage to forgive such a person.In those situation,I always ask for help from God.I wish that I am tough enough to forgive such a person.What should I do if I had forgiven the person so many times but the person didn't appreciate that?Then it is his or her problem because I have done my best.I always think that if you treat a person bad,then there is some problems with you attitude.However, if the person treat you bad and you want to revenge by treating him bad in return then both the person and you are at fault.For me, the way you treat your enemy reveals your true self or maybe the evil side of yourself.Can you forgive your enemy? But,is there a limit to forgiveness? I believe that everyone has his or her very own bottom line but I am still searching for that line.For those who want to challenge me, you are more than welcome.

Sorry

I just want to apologize for the last post.It is not my intention to hurt anybody.What I want to say is that I am angry and disappointed by his action but I am not angry at him.Maybe it sounds weird when I say that but I really mean that.I would never hate a person whom I fall in love before.However,I really think that I live a happier life without him because I used to crying every time I am with him feeling insecure.Now that the relationship is over,I feel relief.If you ask me if I had forgotten everything about him,I would say no because it is quite an experience for me.However,I decided that I still want to be friends with him just because I like him as a friend and nothing more than that.I may still cry once-in-a-while when looking at the past but that's just who I am.I am that kind of person who like to reflect on my past and learn from my mistake.After all,all human beings are gifted with the ability of learning from their own mistake.So far,there are only 2 people in the world who have broken my heart before.So,I always wonder if I had done my best and treated them as good as possible.I realized that I do make some mistakes when being together with them but still I wish that we can be best friends.Even though a friend is so far away from you,somehow you will still keep them in a special position inside your heart.Friendship is just what I need and nothing more.

Sick

I have a fever last night.After eating a pill,I went to sleep.After having almost 12 hours of sleep,i wake up and found out that my head is spinning.The worst part is that I can't actually talk much now since I am having a sore throat at the same time.Sigh.No delicious food for me today.All I can eat is just porridge and bread but maybe it's fine for me since I don't really have the appetite to eat ianything.Sigh.Two of my CS exams are coming.How can I be sick at this critical time?

My second recipe- Tofu with dried prawn

Insomnia

It's 3.37am and I am still awake.I am back to who I am now,a person who sleeps in the evening and wake up in the middle of the night.What happen to me?I used to that when I am too sad to sleep because before I sleep,I will always reflect on the recent happening that took place.But now,I am too scare to think about it.Maybe that's why i want to let myself be as tired as I could but i know it doesn't work.I feel so weak with all the tortures to my mind.I end up being mentally and physically exhausted.What should I do?For every single word I said to him,he won't listen.Am I demanding too much?I just want to put an end to all my sufferings but he don't even want to face it.All he said is just that he is a bad guy so being a bad guy, he can be irresponsible.For me, it's just a lame excuse,an excuse that frees him from responsibility.Again,he choose to take the easy way out. How can one grow if he is too afraid to face the truth?I am prepare to face the truth now even though the truth is often cruel but this problem belongs to the two of us.I can't move on if he is too afraid to face me.I know that even if I go and talk to him,he won't listen to me or he might just pretending to listen or he might just walk away and let me continue suffering.My only wish is that he listen to every single word I said and let me cry in front of him as hard as I could.Is he brave enough to do that?

My best mooncake festival lunch ever

I cook my favorite dish- vegetable with braised mushroom today to celebrate mooncake festival and it turns out pretty well.I consider it as the most delicious food that I have cooked so far.Sue yen,thank you very much for your recipe!

If there isn't any beginning,then there shouldn't be any ending

I am confused.If there isn't any beginning after all,then there shouldn't be any ending.I remember suffering through the beginning and crying over for the bad ending and everything in between is not really something that I considered as "happy".So,I ask myself.What is that chunk of memory then?I regret but yet I feel that it is so unreal.I let you stab my fagile heart into pieces and end up hurting myself.Why do I suffer the pain of that chunk of memory when there isn't any beginning after all?Do I care so much about the beginning and the ending?Maybe but I believe that there is a cause for all happenings so there must be a beginning in order to reach the ending.Maybe it's just me who is so stubborn to let it go but who will get hurt for nothing?Are you going to tell me that it is a bad dream that happens in my real life?It is really like a dream for me because we are back to what we are before the beginning.Maybe I just trying to escape from the pain but it seems to me that nothing is left from that chunk of memory except for the meaningless pain that you brought to me.Now I am still wondering if there is any beginning in the first place but if there isn't any beginning,why would there be an ending?

Nothing is forever

Is there an end to all the pain that i feel now?I thought i am tired enough today but i realise that i can't stop thinking about him even when i close my eyes.Then,the next thing i know is that I am crying again.Then,tons of thoughts and memory start to appear on my mind. What is left when all my trusts for you are gone?I remember sue yen's reply,"nothing is left,just move on".Now,I agree with her that nothing is left,not even a single piece of sweet memory because all those happy moment just hurts me more than anything else.How many have I cry because of the cruel words that he say to me?Countless.Then,why am i still calling him?To get hurt again?I don't know.Maybe it's my heart that tells me to do so and I just follow my heart even though my mind keeps warning me to avoid him.I know that I have to let it go even though i thought i have risked everything for him.For me,it's not that we doesn't match each other,it is just that he doesn't love me anymore.Actually,i know that this break-up will happen eventually.Almost everytime i hug him,I had already feel the pain of losing him and that is why i often cry but somehow i heard a small voice telling me that it doen't matter.Why it doesn't matter?Maybe i am just trying to cherish every moment we are together because I know that it won't last for long.I thought at least something like friendship and true love will last forever but it's just a dream that will never come true.Life will eventually leads to death just like love will eventually die away.Nothing is forever.............................

Mental Break down

Countless tears have drop down my faces because of you.I think I start to lose confidence of myself.I want to scold you as much as possible but at the same time i know that it wouldn't help.I feel so angry to myself because of trusting you and at the same time i couldn't stop blaming myself.I just can't hate you even though deep down i want to do so.I end up hating myself.Why am I putting all the responsibility on myself if I somehow know I have try my best?I thought I must have done something wrong in some way.Am I not good enough?I don't know.I just think that I am the stupiest person in the world.How can I forgive a person who hurts me so much?And I even ask for help from God so that I can have the strength to forgive you.It kills me when I think of every moment that I spend with you because I really don't know if there is any truth left?Are you forcing yourself to be happy when we are together?Am I such a horrible person to be with?I just have no faith on myself anymore.I feel like it is the end of the world.I try as hard as I could to keep myself busy but when I am free for even a single second,I feel sad and tears start dripping down.I feel so helpless.What can I do to make myself feel better?Cry as much as I want?Sometimes I found myself shaking while hiding inside my comforter.I am so afraid.I don't want to be burden to my friends but at the same time I wish that I can have a big hug.I feel that I am so fragile but I just don't want to show the weak part of me to anybody.What can I do?I really don't know.......................

Transforming image using C++ ( My First Machine problem)

The original image

After making some transfomation,I create the image above!

WHAT DO I LOOK FOR IN A GUY?

1. Must be taller than me because i am short enough.
2. Preferably wear glasses.
3. Have a attractive and friendly smile.
4. Serious at work and hardworking.
5. Must not be a smoker or a alcoholic.
6. Must be sincere to friends and family.
7. Willing to share my happiness and sadness.
8. Willing to listen to me when I need someone to talk to,especially at night.
9. Must keep his promise to me.
10. Preferably willing to wear pink shirts.
11. Must know how to speak mandarin but he doesn't have to be a chinese.
12.....re-consider next time.

Coffee and me

It's one o'clock in the morning but I am still awake as usual.Why I want to stay up so late at night to study?I could have waken up early in the morning like others but I prefer the night atmosphere. I have the blinking stars and bright moon to keep me accompany. I think somehow I begin to claim midnight as my secret territory because I could have total privacy almost every wonderful night. When sun rises, I have to be active and catch up with the busy hustle and bustle of the city. So, I promise myself to give myself a break at night. Guess what is my best friend in the middle of the night? Coffee!!! Here I am.Making coffee under the moonlight again. Actually,I don't like drinking coffee that much.Sometimes I even think that coffee is too bitter. But, I like to let the aroma of the coffee wafts through the air. The smell of the coffee is so tempting that I want to take a sip of it. So,basically,drinking coffee in a quite and peaceful night is the best treat for me after a tiring day.