Who am I in your eyes?

I found his notebook when i was searching for something under my bed.After reading through it,I found that he didn't mention anything about me in his notebook.It is not a surprise for me though because I can't find anything about me in his blog and facebook. Now,i realized how unimportant i am for him. I thought when you fall in love, the memory of your loved one will at least stay in your brain. The same question occurs in my mind: Has he ever loved me before? It seems to me that he doesn't remember anything about me or even bother to care about me. The worst part is he didn't even miss me or want to see me again.I am heartbroken whenever I think of that. What have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? Is it because I make myself too available for him? I thought the worst ending will only be a break-up but the truth is even worse than that.He didn't even want to see me before and after the break-up. He went back to where he belongs to and never come back after that.It is as if I never exist in his life. I have prepared for the worst before the relationship started but I don't even know that it is even worse than I have expected. I think nobody in the world will be able to understand my feelings. The injury that I suffer is too severe that I don't even how to heal it. Because of love, i get hurt again and again. How can I ever believe in love again?

Learning is a lonely process

I like being around with people,talking to people,cook some delicious food for people because I simply like to be in a crowd.Maybe sometimes one will tend to lose oneself in the crowd but it is always good to have somebody to provide moral support whenever you need.I always heard people saying that learning is about a share of knowledge but it is not true for me.I try to learn with others and share my knowledge with others but I realize that I have too much to learn and too little to share.Sometimes I am so frustrated when I noticed that I have to take a longer time than others just to learn a simple concept.I would like to socialize with others while learning from them but I would always end up falling behind.I feel lonely in the process of learning and thought of giving up so many times.Maybe being alone is not that bad after all.Maybe I will be able to gain more satisfaction if I went through the tedious process of learning all by myself. I am not saying that I do not need friends but if I were to burden a friend while trying to get rid of my loneliness,I would rather stand strong on my own.I know there is still a long to go.I still have some much things to learn.I think I have dropped enough tears to learn every single lesson.Over here,I promised that I will try my best to face any challenges with a big smile instead of crying.

Specially made for you - Nasi lemak

My love

Where is the guy I love? If he is still alive,he will be heartbroken if he realized the pain that I endure.If he is still alive,he will want to meet me and talk to me. If he is still alive,he will feel guilty of what he did and try to calm me down with his love.If he is still alive,he will apologize for everything that he did and promise that he will not do it again to me. If he is still alive, he will not forget his love so easily.If he is still alive, he will not walk away when I need him.If he is still alive,he will not let me cry alone.If he is still alive,he will not hang up the phone while I need somebody to talk to.The guy I love has gone.He has chosen to disappear and run away from me.He has abandoned my love which means nothing to him now.To the guy I love,your love is so shallow that I can't believe that it comes from the guy I love and it make me questions it again and again.If you think you live a better life running away from me, then you aren't the guy I love or maybe you never actually love me before.

Cooking

Sue yen,thanks for your post.He called my just now and I told him that I really miss him and I can't forget about him so easily as he did.I hate it when he said at least he lived a better life than me now.Who is the one who bring all this sufferings to me?Who is the one who make my life miserable?I feel like an idiot for missing a guy like that but I can't deny the fact that I really do miss him but he has changed.The guy I used to fall in love with doesn't exist anymore.I did do what suggest me to do.In middle of the night,I start cooking sambal which I may not even have the appetite to eat.Cutting the onion makes me cry again but I feel better because I didn't cook for myself this time.I cook for the old "him" whom I miss so much but "he" doesn't exist anymore.

Suffer

I cried myself to sleep again last night and I cried again just now while watching the television.I feel so upset that I couldn't take it anymore and guess who is beside me consoling me?Nobody.It has been a thousand times that I close myself in the room,hide myself under the comforter and cry aloud.Sue yen,I know you will scold me if I tell you about this again.But,when I really need somebody to be with you,nobody is there.At the same time,I am too afraid to tell them why am I crying again.It's hard to forget a person who hurts you so much and whom you love so much.I don't mind hating anybody else but the person that I am talking about is somebody whom I have fallen in love with and it really hurt me so much that now he doesn't even care about me anymore.There is nothing that I can do except for crying alone.I don't want to make myself so pitiful but the scar that he leaves behind is hurting me every single moment.I can still remember the day when he left,I was crying while hugging teda telling her that I miss him so much.Two days later,he asked for a break-up and then he doesn't even want to see me again.Imagine how will you feel when you are in my situation.

Love vs Hate

Sue yen,I guess you are right.If I am able to love a person,I will be able to hate him.Whenever I think of him,I really hate him a lot.I hate him for betraying my love.I hate him for not appreciating my love.I hate him for leaving me hanging by not breaking up with me face-to-face.I hate him for making our relationship such a terrible one.I hate him for making our happy moments a torture to me.I hate him for not being responsible.I hate him for not keeping his promises.I hate him for making me cry every single day.I hate him for being cruel to me all the time. I hate him for everything.............How can I ever forgive him?I want a revenge!But,I don't want to hurt his feelings by scolding him again because I end up hurting myself every time. Maybe I can try transforming the energy of hating him to doing something useful like cooking so I have decide that I will cook his favorite food whenever I think of him.

Hurt

Is there an end to the pain that I suffer?Will time heal my wound?What if the scar is still there after a long time?Why am I crying every time? Every negative feeling that I could think of comes to me because of the incident.Jealousy, Hate, Regret,Sorrow............All those feelings are so intense that I can't take it anymore.Maybe it take time but I am rushing myself to forget all about it because I want to be free of those negative feelings.Now,I decided to give myself more time.Whenever I feel like crying,I would just cry aloud.Please don't assume that I have healed completely if I seem happy because I think I need much more time that one may expect.

Memory

When I walk out from the exams hall today,the first thing that comes into my minds is to call him and tell him how do I do in the exams.I remember I used to do that every time in the past.But,now,everything changes.While I was walking back alone,a tear drop down my face.I was just a person who lives in the past.The past has had such a great impact on me that I will have a mental break down whenever thinking about it.I can't run away from it since I can't change the fact that the past still belongs to me.In fact,it is part of me.I know I can't change the past but why it has to interfere with the present?I am torn between the past and the present.What should I do to walk out from the shadow of the past?

The way to forgive a person

Sometimes you may be angry at a person for not being to do what you expect him or her to do but anger can happen in a short period of time and after that,you will wonder why you angry at that person in the first place.Of course,in this situation,the mistake that that person makes maybe small.How about forgiving a person who has make a big mistake which you think you never be able to forgive him or her?I am nothing but a normal human being.It will take lots of courage to forgive such a person.In those situation,I always ask for help from God.I wish that I am tough enough to forgive such a person.What should I do if I had forgiven the person so many times but the person didn't appreciate that?Then it is his or her problem because I have done my best.I always think that if you treat a person bad,then there is some problems with you attitude.However, if the person treat you bad and you want to revenge by treating him bad in return then both the person and you are at fault.For me, the way you treat your enemy reveals your true self or maybe the evil side of yourself.Can you forgive your enemy? But,is there a limit to forgiveness? I believe that everyone has his or her very own bottom line but I am still searching for that line.For those who want to challenge me, you are more than welcome.

Sorry

I just want to apologize for the last post.It is not my intention to hurt anybody.What I want to say is that I am angry and disappointed by his action but I am not angry at him.Maybe it sounds weird when I say that but I really mean that.I would never hate a person whom I fall in love before.However,I really think that I live a happier life without him because I used to crying every time I am with him feeling insecure.Now that the relationship is over,I feel relief.If you ask me if I had forgotten everything about him,I would say no because it is quite an experience for me.However,I decided that I still want to be friends with him just because I like him as a friend and nothing more than that.I may still cry once-in-a-while when looking at the past but that's just who I am.I am that kind of person who like to reflect on my past and learn from my mistake.After all,all human beings are gifted with the ability of learning from their own mistake.So far,there are only 2 people in the world who have broken my heart before.So,I always wonder if I had done my best and treated them as good as possible.I realized that I do make some mistakes when being together with them but still I wish that we can be best friends.Even though a friend is so far away from you,somehow you will still keep them in a special position inside your heart.Friendship is just what I need and nothing more.

Sick

I have a fever last night.After eating a pill,I went to sleep.After having almost 12 hours of sleep,i wake up and found out that my head is spinning.The worst part is that I can't actually talk much now since I am having a sore throat at the same time.Sigh.No delicious food for me today.All I can eat is just porridge and bread but maybe it's fine for me since I don't really have the appetite to eat ianything.Sigh.Two of my CS exams are coming.How can I be sick at this critical time?

My second recipe- Tofu with dried prawn

Insomnia

It's 3.37am and I am still awake.I am back to who I am now,a person who sleeps in the evening and wake up in the middle of the night.What happen to me?I used to that when I am too sad to sleep because before I sleep,I will always reflect on the recent happening that took place.But now,I am too scare to think about it.Maybe that's why i want to let myself be as tired as I could but i know it doesn't work.I feel so weak with all the tortures to my mind.I end up being mentally and physically exhausted.What should I do?For every single word I said to him,he won't listen.Am I demanding too much?I just want to put an end to all my sufferings but he don't even want to face it.All he said is just that he is a bad guy so being a bad guy, he can be irresponsible.For me, it's just a lame excuse,an excuse that frees him from responsibility.Again,he choose to take the easy way out. How can one grow if he is too afraid to face the truth?I am prepare to face the truth now even though the truth is often cruel but this problem belongs to the two of us.I can't move on if he is too afraid to face me.I know that even if I go and talk to him,he won't listen to me or he might just pretending to listen or he might just walk away and let me continue suffering.My only wish is that he listen to every single word I said and let me cry in front of him as hard as I could.Is he brave enough to do that?

My best mooncake festival lunch ever

I cook my favorite dish- vegetable with braised mushroom today to celebrate mooncake festival and it turns out pretty well.I consider it as the most delicious food that I have cooked so far.Sue yen,thank you very much for your recipe!

If there isn't any beginning,then there shouldn't be any ending

I am confused.If there isn't any beginning after all,then there shouldn't be any ending.I remember suffering through the beginning and crying over for the bad ending and everything in between is not really something that I considered as "happy".So,I ask myself.What is that chunk of memory then?I regret but yet I feel that it is so unreal.I let you stab my fagile heart into pieces and end up hurting myself.Why do I suffer the pain of that chunk of memory when there isn't any beginning after all?Do I care so much about the beginning and the ending?Maybe but I believe that there is a cause for all happenings so there must be a beginning in order to reach the ending.Maybe it's just me who is so stubborn to let it go but who will get hurt for nothing?Are you going to tell me that it is a bad dream that happens in my real life?It is really like a dream for me because we are back to what we are before the beginning.Maybe I just trying to escape from the pain but it seems to me that nothing is left from that chunk of memory except for the meaningless pain that you brought to me.Now I am still wondering if there is any beginning in the first place but if there isn't any beginning,why would there be an ending?

Nothing is forever

Is there an end to all the pain that i feel now?I thought i am tired enough today but i realise that i can't stop thinking about him even when i close my eyes.Then,the next thing i know is that I am crying again.Then,tons of thoughts and memory start to appear on my mind. What is left when all my trusts for you are gone?I remember sue yen's reply,"nothing is left,just move on".Now,I agree with her that nothing is left,not even a single piece of sweet memory because all those happy moment just hurts me more than anything else.How many have I cry because of the cruel words that he say to me?Countless.Then,why am i still calling him?To get hurt again?I don't know.Maybe it's my heart that tells me to do so and I just follow my heart even though my mind keeps warning me to avoid him.I know that I have to let it go even though i thought i have risked everything for him.For me,it's not that we doesn't match each other,it is just that he doesn't love me anymore.Actually,i know that this break-up will happen eventually.Almost everytime i hug him,I had already feel the pain of losing him and that is why i often cry but somehow i heard a small voice telling me that it doen't matter.Why it doesn't matter?Maybe i am just trying to cherish every moment we are together because I know that it won't last for long.I thought at least something like friendship and true love will last forever but it's just a dream that will never come true.Life will eventually leads to death just like love will eventually die away.Nothing is forever.............................

Mental Break down

Countless tears have drop down my faces because of you.I think I start to lose confidence of myself.I want to scold you as much as possible but at the same time i know that it wouldn't help.I feel so angry to myself because of trusting you and at the same time i couldn't stop blaming myself.I just can't hate you even though deep down i want to do so.I end up hating myself.Why am I putting all the responsibility on myself if I somehow know I have try my best?I thought I must have done something wrong in some way.Am I not good enough?I don't know.I just think that I am the stupiest person in the world.How can I forgive a person who hurts me so much?And I even ask for help from God so that I can have the strength to forgive you.It kills me when I think of every moment that I spend with you because I really don't know if there is any truth left?Are you forcing yourself to be happy when we are together?Am I such a horrible person to be with?I just have no faith on myself anymore.I feel like it is the end of the world.I try as hard as I could to keep myself busy but when I am free for even a single second,I feel sad and tears start dripping down.I feel so helpless.What can I do to make myself feel better?Cry as much as I want?Sometimes I found myself shaking while hiding inside my comforter.I am so afraid.I don't want to be burden to my friends but at the same time I wish that I can have a big hug.I feel that I am so fragile but I just don't want to show the weak part of me to anybody.What can I do?I really don't know.......................

Transforming image using C++ ( My First Machine problem)

The original image

After making some transfomation,I create the image above!

WHAT DO I LOOK FOR IN A GUY?

1. Must be taller than me because i am short enough.
2. Preferably wear glasses.
3. Have a attractive and friendly smile.
4. Serious at work and hardworking.
5. Must not be a smoker or a alcoholic.
6. Must be sincere to friends and family.
7. Willing to share my happiness and sadness.
8. Willing to listen to me when I need someone to talk to,especially at night.
9. Must keep his promise to me.
10. Preferably willing to wear pink shirts.
11. Must know how to speak mandarin but he doesn't have to be a chinese.
12.....re-consider next time.