Finding myself

I realized that these few weeks I have so busy with my homeworks,exams and mps that I have lost myself again.It seems like I am constantly engaging myself with all kinds of activities to forget about my pain. Tonight I am sitting alone in my room and I thought of the question from a friend:What do I like to do? The first thing that came into mind is cooking but cooking is really not something that I like most.Maybe because that is the only thing I can do for the time being since I need to cook everyday anyway.I am not saying that I don't like cooking but I can't really fill in my leisure hour just by cooking because I will end up wasting all the food.So,what I really like to do?I like writing articles with abstract title like "The color of happiness" and "My feeling after a rain".Writing this kind of article reveals my inner thought and makes me feel calm and peaceful.However,I stop writing that kind of article after I came to US.There is always some other things that stress me out and I just have to deal with so many things that I don't really get enough sleep and food.Below is my photos showing the first year I came to US and the recent photo I took:
Before

After

Can you spot the changes?

Struggling to walk away from the past

I try to change myself to somebody else by buying all those things that I didn't even look at them before,engaging my myself in all kinds of activities and even learning how to scold others for bullying me. The only reason for that is to help me to step out from the shadow of the past. The past just tortures me so much that I don't want to have anything associate with it anymore. But, the past is still part of me.I realized that nobody can walk away from the past no matter how hard she tries. There are countless times when I was bullied for trying to be nice to people. I thought they will understand that every single relationship is a gift from God so we need to appreciate people around us,especially those who love us. But then,people start to take advantage of me. It seems like I really need to protect myself from getting hurt again. But whenever that happen,I cry, asking myself why should I treat them so nice and end up hurting myself.I am so vulnerable and so weak. My heart has been broken so many times that I become a person who lives in the dark because I am too afraid that brightness will reveals all the pains that lies deep down in my heart. Maybe I should keep my sadness to myself even though it starts to be a burden for me.

Easy and Yummy Sweet and Sour Prawns

It only takes less than 15minutes to make it and it tastes very good.Guess what?I didn't use ready-made sweet and sour sauce this time.In fact,I make the sauce myself.

Bak Kut Teh

This is my first time cooking bak kut teh and I invited my senior to come over and hava a dinner with me. I am so happy when he said that it taste good and even better than those he made since this is my first trial. He even write "GOOD bak kut teh" in his msn display message right after he went back! Haha....I think the key behind cooking is patience because I have actually cooked the bak kut teh for 4 hours already. Maybe I will cooked it again next time and invite shamini to come over.

Missing you

Even though I hate to admit it,I really miss you. It makes me feel lonelier whenever I start missing you because I know somehow I shouldn't have that kinds of feelings anymore. The reason that I decided to write it on my blog is that I feel that I will only get scolded if I tell anybody about it. How can I miss someone that hurts me so much? I don't understand. Do you what is the cruelest things that you did to me? It is actually all the sweet promises that you made. So, every time I think of you,I feel a sharp knife stabbing my heart and then I cry. I can't face myself.I keep scolding myself for missing you. Is there greater pain than the pain of missing someone who hurts you so deep?

Building a tree of images

Here comes my current C++ assignment.I just glance through the spec for my latest C++ assignment and guess what?Things get even more tedious and interesting this time.I have to build a tree of images! How can this be done? The basic idea is to let the root of the tree to be the whole image and the tiny little pixels of the image to be the leaves for the tree. I was fascinated by the fact that people actually come up with this novel kinds of idea to represent colorful images in different ways. For my last assignment,I was told to represent the image using a list. Now, I learned a more efficient way to manipulate my image - using a tree. It seems to me that people have to struggle to make their program as efficient and as fast as possible. Is it that important to have greater speed in everything? Sigh....I just hope that I can complete this assignment as soon as possible.

Physics Reunion

Today is the first day of my first termal physics class of the semester.After eating a wonderful breakfast, I walk to my physics lecture hall.It has such a long time since I step into the same lecture hall.I was exited because I really miss the comfortable theater-like lecture hall.I like the lighting and the comfortable chair.I remember falling asleep almost every single time when I had my physics lecture over there. Once I step into the lecture hall, I saw my lecturer. He has white and curly hair just like those of Albert Einstein. Maybe the "physics people" just use their brain too much.Haha....Then when my first lecture actually begins, I found that how fun and interesting it is to have so many cool demonstration. Right after my first lecture,I have my discussion section. I realized that I have to make use of all the previous knowledge about momentum and kinetic energy which is a bad news for me because I just hate everything about kinematics.Then,I have a difficult time catching up in my discussion group because everybody just seems to be so smart.Sigh....At the end of the class,my TA comes up with a conclusion that most events that happens in nature are irreversible. Ya,at least I can apply physics in real life.Things that have done can rarely be re-done.

Sue yen,I made all your favorite food specially for you!

Who am I in your eyes?

I found his notebook when i was searching for something under my bed.After reading through it,I found that he didn't mention anything about me in his notebook.It is not a surprise for me though because I can't find anything about me in his blog and facebook. Now,i realized how unimportant i am for him. I thought when you fall in love, the memory of your loved one will at least stay in your brain. The same question occurs in my mind: Has he ever loved me before? It seems to me that he doesn't remember anything about me or even bother to care about me. The worst part is he didn't even miss me or want to see me again.I am heartbroken whenever I think of that. What have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? Is it because I make myself too available for him? I thought the worst ending will only be a break-up but the truth is even worse than that.He didn't even want to see me before and after the break-up. He went back to where he belongs to and never come back after that.It is as if I never exist in his life. I have prepared for the worst before the relationship started but I don't even know that it is even worse than I have expected. I think nobody in the world will be able to understand my feelings. The injury that I suffer is too severe that I don't even how to heal it. Because of love, i get hurt again and again. How can I ever believe in love again?

Learning is a lonely process

I like being around with people,talking to people,cook some delicious food for people because I simply like to be in a crowd.Maybe sometimes one will tend to lose oneself in the crowd but it is always good to have somebody to provide moral support whenever you need.I always heard people saying that learning is about a share of knowledge but it is not true for me.I try to learn with others and share my knowledge with others but I realize that I have too much to learn and too little to share.Sometimes I am so frustrated when I noticed that I have to take a longer time than others just to learn a simple concept.I would like to socialize with others while learning from them but I would always end up falling behind.I feel lonely in the process of learning and thought of giving up so many times.Maybe being alone is not that bad after all.Maybe I will be able to gain more satisfaction if I went through the tedious process of learning all by myself. I am not saying that I do not need friends but if I were to burden a friend while trying to get rid of my loneliness,I would rather stand strong on my own.I know there is still a long to go.I still have some much things to learn.I think I have dropped enough tears to learn every single lesson.Over here,I promised that I will try my best to face any challenges with a big smile instead of crying.

Specially made for you - Nasi lemak

My love

Where is the guy I love? If he is still alive,he will be heartbroken if he realized the pain that I endure.If he is still alive,he will want to meet me and talk to me. If he is still alive,he will feel guilty of what he did and try to calm me down with his love.If he is still alive,he will apologize for everything that he did and promise that he will not do it again to me. If he is still alive, he will not forget his love so easily.If he is still alive, he will not walk away when I need him.If he is still alive,he will not let me cry alone.If he is still alive,he will not hang up the phone while I need somebody to talk to.The guy I love has gone.He has chosen to disappear and run away from me.He has abandoned my love which means nothing to him now.To the guy I love,your love is so shallow that I can't believe that it comes from the guy I love and it make me questions it again and again.If you think you live a better life running away from me, then you aren't the guy I love or maybe you never actually love me before.

Cooking

Sue yen,thanks for your post.He called my just now and I told him that I really miss him and I can't forget about him so easily as he did.I hate it when he said at least he lived a better life than me now.Who is the one who bring all this sufferings to me?Who is the one who make my life miserable?I feel like an idiot for missing a guy like that but I can't deny the fact that I really do miss him but he has changed.The guy I used to fall in love with doesn't exist anymore.I did do what suggest me to do.In middle of the night,I start cooking sambal which I may not even have the appetite to eat.Cutting the onion makes me cry again but I feel better because I didn't cook for myself this time.I cook for the old "him" whom I miss so much but "he" doesn't exist anymore.

Suffer

I cried myself to sleep again last night and I cried again just now while watching the television.I feel so upset that I couldn't take it anymore and guess who is beside me consoling me?Nobody.It has been a thousand times that I close myself in the room,hide myself under the comforter and cry aloud.Sue yen,I know you will scold me if I tell you about this again.But,when I really need somebody to be with you,nobody is there.At the same time,I am too afraid to tell them why am I crying again.It's hard to forget a person who hurts you so much and whom you love so much.I don't mind hating anybody else but the person that I am talking about is somebody whom I have fallen in love with and it really hurt me so much that now he doesn't even care about me anymore.There is nothing that I can do except for crying alone.I don't want to make myself so pitiful but the scar that he leaves behind is hurting me every single moment.I can still remember the day when he left,I was crying while hugging teda telling her that I miss him so much.Two days later,he asked for a break-up and then he doesn't even want to see me again.Imagine how will you feel when you are in my situation.

Love vs Hate

Sue yen,I guess you are right.If I am able to love a person,I will be able to hate him.Whenever I think of him,I really hate him a lot.I hate him for betraying my love.I hate him for not appreciating my love.I hate him for leaving me hanging by not breaking up with me face-to-face.I hate him for making our relationship such a terrible one.I hate him for making our happy moments a torture to me.I hate him for not being responsible.I hate him for not keeping his promises.I hate him for making me cry every single day.I hate him for being cruel to me all the time. I hate him for everything.............How can I ever forgive him?I want a revenge!But,I don't want to hurt his feelings by scolding him again because I end up hurting myself every time. Maybe I can try transforming the energy of hating him to doing something useful like cooking so I have decide that I will cook his favorite food whenever I think of him.

Hurt

Is there an end to the pain that I suffer?Will time heal my wound?What if the scar is still there after a long time?Why am I crying every time? Every negative feeling that I could think of comes to me because of the incident.Jealousy, Hate, Regret,Sorrow............All those feelings are so intense that I can't take it anymore.Maybe it take time but I am rushing myself to forget all about it because I want to be free of those negative feelings.Now,I decided to give myself more time.Whenever I feel like crying,I would just cry aloud.Please don't assume that I have healed completely if I seem happy because I think I need much more time that one may expect.

Memory

When I walk out from the exams hall today,the first thing that comes into my minds is to call him and tell him how do I do in the exams.I remember I used to do that every time in the past.But,now,everything changes.While I was walking back alone,a tear drop down my face.I was just a person who lives in the past.The past has had such a great impact on me that I will have a mental break down whenever thinking about it.I can't run away from it since I can't change the fact that the past still belongs to me.In fact,it is part of me.I know I can't change the past but why it has to interfere with the present?I am torn between the past and the present.What should I do to walk out from the shadow of the past?

The way to forgive a person

Sometimes you may be angry at a person for not being to do what you expect him or her to do but anger can happen in a short period of time and after that,you will wonder why you angry at that person in the first place.Of course,in this situation,the mistake that that person makes maybe small.How about forgiving a person who has make a big mistake which you think you never be able to forgive him or her?I am nothing but a normal human being.It will take lots of courage to forgive such a person.In those situation,I always ask for help from God.I wish that I am tough enough to forgive such a person.What should I do if I had forgiven the person so many times but the person didn't appreciate that?Then it is his or her problem because I have done my best.I always think that if you treat a person bad,then there is some problems with you attitude.However, if the person treat you bad and you want to revenge by treating him bad in return then both the person and you are at fault.For me, the way you treat your enemy reveals your true self or maybe the evil side of yourself.Can you forgive your enemy? But,is there a limit to forgiveness? I believe that everyone has his or her very own bottom line but I am still searching for that line.For those who want to challenge me, you are more than welcome.

Sorry

I just want to apologize for the last post.It is not my intention to hurt anybody.What I want to say is that I am angry and disappointed by his action but I am not angry at him.Maybe it sounds weird when I say that but I really mean that.I would never hate a person whom I fall in love before.However,I really think that I live a happier life without him because I used to crying every time I am with him feeling insecure.Now that the relationship is over,I feel relief.If you ask me if I had forgotten everything about him,I would say no because it is quite an experience for me.However,I decided that I still want to be friends with him just because I like him as a friend and nothing more than that.I may still cry once-in-a-while when looking at the past but that's just who I am.I am that kind of person who like to reflect on my past and learn from my mistake.After all,all human beings are gifted with the ability of learning from their own mistake.So far,there are only 2 people in the world who have broken my heart before.So,I always wonder if I had done my best and treated them as good as possible.I realized that I do make some mistakes when being together with them but still I wish that we can be best friends.Even though a friend is so far away from you,somehow you will still keep them in a special position inside your heart.Friendship is just what I need and nothing more.