My 21st Birthday

Take a first look at my cake!


Then,put some mashimaro and caramel on top.

My teacher who taught me how to bake my first birthday cake.

Take a close look of my very first birthday cake!!!

My cake with the cute candle on it




I am blowing off the candle.

My cake and a present from Teda and Ily (Guess what is inside the box?)


A box of tissue!!!! (Does it imply that I cry too much?)


All the gifts I received

A moody day

The sky is so gloomy today so is my mood. I haven't actually had a real smile on my face today. I feel so tired mentally and physically. I really have to admit that I am not good at programming at all but I have to do 3 programming assignment every single week. Two of them are for my computer science class which involve writing in C and assembly language MIPS while another one is for my work as an undergraduate assistant which involving using Visual Basic in Excel. I am too overwhelmed with the programming assignments that we have to do.Even though I have two partners working together for the two mps, I still feel very stressful since I don't want to be the useless one in the group but I have admit that I am slow in understanding difficult concepts. Imagine having to meet your lab partners more than twice a week and at the end of each meeting, one of my partners will ask the same question :"When are we going to meet for the next mp?" I have been thinking of going swimming for relaxing since I miss swimming in the Aquatics Center without having to worry about completing my mp. I know that there are much more important things in the world than programming but this is my life and I have to live with it even if it numbs my feelings. The worst part is that since one of my mp is due on Friday, I am going to celebrate my birthday by doing programming with my lab partners.It is not that I don't want to tell my partners that I need a break for my birthday but it is just that even if I am free on the day, I don't have anything in mind to do since most of my friends are busy on that day.

My very first Illini hockey Game

Illinois vs Ohio


The players are so aggressive and serious.




A performance on the ice during a short break


A bunch of cute kids who are hilarious since they can barely balance themselves on the ice and yet their sport spirits are high.



Two weeks ago, I get email from the university's recreation department telling me that I have won two illini hockey tickets in their lucky draw so I invited Teda to come with me for the game. Even though Teda and I doesn't know anything about ice hockey but we feel like we should grab this chance to explore more about hockey game. The game that day is between Illinois and Ohio. It turns out that it was more than an ordinary hockey game. Every time when the players make a mistake or have a scary fight, some rock music will be played and the audience will start singing and dancing together. Sometimes the players are too obsess with the game that they just keep scoping on ice in the hope of getting the ball and there are a few times where the ball actually fly out from the court to the audiences who sat beside us. It is funny that when the players starts fighting for the ball that the little kids start screaming excitedly, encouraging them to have continue fighting. Then there are dance performance on the ice by a group of girls. I was amazed by how gracefully they dance on the ice. Moreover, a bunch of kids who barely know how to skate are competing against each other during one of the breaks. Even though in the beginning of the game,a few of them fell down several times but they still didn't give up. I am impressed with their high spirits in the game. At last, Illinois won the game by 4 to 0 so it is a big victory for us and the poor Ohio players had to bear with our supporters shouting "Hey,you sucks!!!!" throughout the game. Overall, it is quite an experience for me and I would like to go for another hockey game if possible.

An unexpected gathering

That day Shamini and I bought the food from our favorite Indian shop even though we just had our lunch in a chinese restaurant. Then Teda came and knocked the door and I asked her to join us for the yummy dinner. I always like the rice in the indian shop since it tastes like nasi briyani and i miss the fragrant curry which has a very nice smell that can wafts through the air and makes me feel hungry. So, when we are having that dinner, I suggested taking photographs because I guess it may be the last gathering for her over here. I really miss every single moment with you........

她回去了

今天，我送走了她。在那前往飞机场的路途中，我看着窗外的风景，不时地转过头望一望坐在我身旁的她，我想她大概只一心想着要尽快回到那个属于她的家吧。一路上我一直保持沉默，一方面是因为昨晚我只睡了大约三个小时，另一方面是因为我在静静思考着。我记得我对她埋怨过即使我考到了理想的成绩，我很清楚地知道我并不快乐。她告诉我这是我的选择，我选择了学业，而她却选择了亲情与友情，既然我决定了我的选择，我就只能默默地祈祷，希望我的选择能为我带来我要的幸福。其实，她说得对，即使我在这里不见得活得快乐，但在那前往飞机场的路途中，我发觉现在的我并不想回去，因为我答应了自己无论情况变得多么恶劣，我必须坚强地撑下去，因为我到美国的目的是为了要实现我的梦，所以在我尚未完成我的任务之前我是不会回去的。可是，这并不代表我选择放弃我的家人，因为在我心目中家人的地位是十分重要的，我甚至觉得我在乎他们多过我自己。其实，我一直觉得自己很没有用，什么都不会，学任何东西都比别人慢，又不善于表达我的想法，所以我只有不断地努力。但，世界上有太多的东西并不是光靠努力就能得到的，例如友情与爱情，曾经答应过会爱你一辈子的人可以变成一个让你恨之入骨的人，交来的知心朋友即使希望留在你身边但却还是要回到那个属于她的地方。也许她说得对，现在的我变了，在那灿烂笑容的背后多了些悲酸，难道这就是成长所要付出的代价吗？

Michelle,I miss you

I received a sms from my ex-roommate today. I can still remember the day when she left without bother to say goodbye to me or even leave a note for me. It was the last day of my final exams but I have to sit for my last paper until 9 o'clock in the evening. When I open the door of my dorm, I was stunned when I realized that half of my room became empty already.I was speechless and rooted to the spot and the next thing I know is that a tear dropped down my face. All the while I thought that I have actually able to find a true friend in this foreign land but the fact that she left without saying goodbye made me wonder if she thought that I am nothing more than an ordinary roommate for her. I tried to call her a few times after she left but she didn't pick up her phone and I tried contacting her through facebook but I end up finding people who share the same name as her. I would have to admit that my second semester over here will be a disaster if she is not with me. She taught to speak up for myself and she encourage me to chase for my own happiness. She also used to have a cute boyfriend who always like to scare me by looking fiercely at me while telling me that "I am going to break you!!!!" but before the semester ends, my roommate actually taught me to crush a tin in front of him and tell him the same sentence :"I am going to break you!!". It is so funny that my roommate laugh so hard. Now,once in a while, I will come across the guy and he reminds me of her every time I meet him but he never bother to say hi to me and pretend that he didn't know me. However, after more than 6 months since she left, she sends a message to me just to ask how am I recently. I thought she must have forgotten all about me after such a long time but her sms proves me wrong and I am touched. Michelle, I just want to tell you that I miss you so much!

A good souvenir that I bought from disneyland

Those who went together with me for the California trip may still remember that I actually bought a mickey-shaped egg shapers from Disneyland.I gave one of the egg shaper to Huey Shann so I wonder if she start using it.So far,I only use it twice-one to cook for Alicia and another for Shamini(I actually haven't eaten my "special shaped" egg until now).Some may think that the egg shaper is redundant but I find it cute and it brighten my days by frying the cute egg.

寂寞

当寂寞的铃声响起，我又想起了他，一个让我又爱又恨的人。我付出了我的真心，但换来的却是他的绝情。好不容易才交上的好友也将要离我而去。为什么几乎每个学期的开始我都会独自落泪？我已经尽量避免一个人走在那无人且漆黑的街上，但我还是逃不了独自在那空虚的房间哭泣的命运。为什么我每次都要从零开始？为什么我总要带着满满的希望去寻找那个懂得我的人然后又无奈地看着他悄悄地离去？难道我真的注定了必须一个人度过我在这里的日子吗？我真的能继续撑下去吗？难道那个愿意给我依靠的肩膀真的不可能出现吗？

A Happy Day

Today, Shamini accompanied me to the Aquatics Center to swimming.Even though I have come to this university for more than 1 and 1/2 year,I have never stepped into the Aquatics Center in the Campus Recreation Center before. The Aquatics Center is actually a very cool place to swim and have fun.There are a small jacuzzi area, water slide and even a water volleyball court. There are a lot of people in the swimming pool.Most parents like to bring their kids to the swimming pool and they splash water all over the place. I like the place a lot and I plan to visit the place more often once the school starts. After swimming for almost an hour,we walk to Flat Top for lunch.The food is quite nice especially the dessert. The dessert is called "Triple Chocolate Storm" and it is really yummy!!!Shamini, thank you so much for such a nice treat!!!


Aquatics Center



Our Mix-and-Match meal



Our dessert-Triple Chocolate Storm



Me and my yummy dessert

I JUST WANNA BRUSH MY TEETH

I was still sleeping on my comfortable bed before Shamini wake me up this morning. She told me water is coming out from the toilet bowl so much so that the whole bathroom is flooded and the water even start coming out to my bedroom!!Then I had to get out from my bed and call the maintenance people to come over and fixed the toilet.When I try to open the door for the maintenance guy,I realized that even my kitchen is flooded but the weird thing is no water coming out from any part of the kitchen(not even from the sink). The guy told me that something is stuck in the toilet but even he had no idea about the water on the kitchen.However, he told me that somebody will come over later and extract all the water out for me. He also told me that I will not be responsible for paying for the mess since I had no idea that pushing a button behind the toilet bowl will have stop the water from flooding the place. This is the second time in US that my place is flooded.Even though the first time happened when I was back in a temporary dorm,I am very upset now.Sigh.......All I want is just to brush my teeth.....why?????

Am I meant to be alone?

Am I meant to be alone all the time when I study in US? Looking back at all the things that I have done in US,I realized that I have been spending too much time on my studies. I really didn't make that many new friends.I seldom take the initiative to talk to new people.All I did was just staying within the same circle of friends and treat them as good as possible or calling friends whom I meet in INTEC and talk to them for hours whenever I feel lonely. I used to be to dependent on my friends because they are the only support I get when I am here. But,now, who should I depend on? I don't want the same dull life again. I don't want to live like a machine created just to study and get good results. But, what else can I do?Those who claim to love me left me when I need them the most while those who really do love me end up leaving me too. It seems to me that nobody wants to be besides me no matter how hard I tried. Am I that bad? What have I done to deserve all these?

Nasi Tomato

椰汁汤圆

The one and only dessert I made for my guest-Alicia. I try eating it while it was still warm then I try putting it into the fridge.The tang yuen tastes so good with the cold coconut milk!!!!

A Make Over For My Bedroom

Before










After










Wonder what do I usually do after my exams? I will start cleaning my room since I have been throwing everything all over the place during my exams. I think I did a pretty good job in cleaning it.I like my room now!!!!! ^-^

A song that My sister and I always sing when we go to Karaoke

My family

Looking at Sue Yen's sister photos reminds me of my family.I remember my mum used to call me everyday I was back in INTEC. But,after I came to US,I seldom talk to my mum and my sister already.Even though they still call me once in a while,I am too afraid to call them already.I remember back at home,I will hide in my room whenever I feel sad and then my sister will always come and console me so I can't really hide anything from my family especially my sister.She is like my best friend whom I always share my feelings and thought with. Why I stop calling them then?It is not that I don't care about them or forget about them.It's just that I just don't want them to be worried about me and that's why I always call them after I have settled every problem that I face. I know that if my mum were to know that I cry very often and feel very unhappy over here,she will be so worried that she may even ask me to give up and go back to Malaysia. There are times when I feel so tired that I just want to give up but whenever I thought of them,I will keep telling myself that I have to stay strong for my family because they are the only reason that keeps me here. Maybe the cost of growing up is to suffer separation from your loved one but deep down I know that I miss my family so much.There is no really place like home.
.

Last day of class

Finally it is the end of my last day of instructions. To celebrate this special day,I would like to give a brief description of what I have accomplished in this tough and challenging semester. Firstly,I wish to announce proudly that I have only missed one single class for this semester which is actually an optional review session for every Friday and I have a pretty reasonable excuse for missing that class- to sign the 2008 lease for my apartment. Maybe some people will think that class attendance is not really a big deal but according to what I learned from my psychology class,attending class is one of the determinant for success in college even though it is not a sufficient condition for success. Among all the classes I have taken this semester,I like psychology the most simply because it is applicable to my daily life. However, I feel strongly that both cs courses that I have taken has prepared me well for my future career. Even though I struggle hard with my C++ class,I feel that I have learned a lot from it and it enables me to give more professional opinions about the pro and cons of different algorithms. To mark the end of this class, my professor decided to held a pizza party + review session(in the form of a game show) tonight so I am really looking forward for the party tonight and hopefully it will be fun.

First snow

Last night I didn't have enough sleep so I was quite unwilling to wake up for my 9am class today.But,it is the second last day of the semester before the finals so I get up anyway even though my head is still spinning.Suddenly,the brightness of the sunlight outside the window grabs my attention so I draw my curtain and found out that almost every corner along the street is covered with snow.It is the first snow of the year.I remember the first snow I had ever seen in US is not that beautiful since it is not heavy enough and it only lasted for a few hours but this year it is awesome.I wish that I have time to enjoy the snow and took some photos but today is such a busy day.After coming back from class,I had to go to TA office hour to ask about the problem with my circuit design. My TA turned out to be not that helpful but I still manage to solve the problem by myself. I was supposed to hand in my homework by 5pm but I barely finished around that time so I have to run towards the office and hand in my last homework for circuit design.I have never hand in my homework in the very last minutes before but I guess I wouldn't have chance to do it again this semester since classes will be after two days. When I walk out from the office,the sky is already dark. Sigh....I wish that I could at least take a picture of the snow.

Thank you for your motivation

I remember the first when I tried to make the sambal, I feel like giving up because it is so spicy that it actually burns my hands.But,because of my promise to you,I was crying while cooking my first nasi lemak. However,only the rice turns out to be nice and eatable but the sambal is such a disaster that Teda even makes fun of me. However,luck is on my side for the second time and from that time onward,I am quite proud of my cooking skills. So,today,I invited my senior to come over and tasted my nasi lemak.Hahaa.....He finished 3 bowls of rice and praised that I can actually start selling nasi lemak along the street in Malaysia.....Hahhaha.....He says the rice is the best compare to the eggs and the sambal because I put the right amount of santan and ginger...Hahhaha......But,he also comments about me not frying the ikan bilis before mixing it with the sambal.Sigh.....He always try to pick out my small mistakes....But,still,I am thankful for being able to learn how to cook nasi lemak by myself because I can actually cook for my friends whenever they visit me.I just want to say thank you for the person who motivates me in learning to cook nasi lemak.Hope that you will have the chance to try my version of nasi lemak....

My life

What have done these few days? I was attending classes,doing homework in front of my laptop and studying. I am eating just for the sake of eating.I am eating just to survive. I went to sleep when I am tired and when I want to escape from reading and doing homework. So,basically,my life is mostly dominated by my studies.How many hours I spend in front of my laptop?My answer will be almost every single moment when I am awake minus the time I spent in class.My roommate encouraged me to go out and socialize more often. I was quite surprised by the fact people actually have to telling me to relax and have fun because I was not that kind of person who like to stay alone in the house all the time.In fact,if someone was to tell me to stay alone for one day without talking to anybody,it will be a cruel punishment for me. Is it true that I have started to develop an antisocial personality?Is it true that I keep locking myself up in a small space and avoid those situation where I feel insecure? I am quite worried about myself and yet I don't know what to do. I know that I feel unhappy living this way but maybe this is what I choose to be. Computer is my only life for it will never betray me.

Escape from the real world

Today when I was about the step out of the house rushing for classes,my housemate ask if I am okay since she heard me crying last night.I try to force a smile on my face to avoid answering her question.There had been so many times that I had cried silently under my comforter hoping that the pain will disappear or I will be able to fall asleep in the end.But,I cried aloud underneath my comforter last night.Sue yen,I remember you telling me that I may not be so lucky that whenever I cry,I will have a listener who is patient enough to hear me crying.But,I realized that even though I can call somebody and cry on the phone,I still hope that there will be somebody besides me giving me a hug and telling me that everything will be fine.The sad part is that that somebody never actually exist.I am so afraid of living in the real world now because I am so afraid of having all kinds of negative emotions that will kill me deep down. This time I want to escape from the real world by entering the world of computer so decided to continue writing this post using the assembly language that I had learned.


START LD Post,(My Memory 1)
AND Physical Pain Crying, Painful Menstrual Periods
AND Mental Pain,Forget him while missing him, Pretend tat I am fine when answering
his call
MUL Torture, , Physical Pain,Mental Pain
BN Emotion, #H
BNN Emotion, #S
BZ Emotion,#R

H SUB Final level of happiness, Initial level of happiness, A call
S ADD Worse, Crying, Loneliness
R ROBOT with no feeling

ST (My Memory 1) , Date
ADD Date,Date,1
JUMP START

Never give up

I was really frustrated by the fact I can't really complete my mp in time but since there is a late hand in policy that allows us to hand in our mp 24 hours after the deadline for 20% off the total grades so I give it a try again.Even though I didn't manage to get it 100% right but I am happy enough since I am able to solve some of the major errors of program. Sometimes when I am losing confidence of my ability to program,I went downhill and the situation becomes even worse when I am working under pressure. There are so many times that I feel like giving up and just admitting to the world that I can't do well in computer science because I am bad at programming. But,whenever I feel like giving up, something will happen and then I find myself falling in love with computer science again. For example,this morning my Linear Algebra professor suddenly invited a speaker to talk to us about application of matrices in search engines such as Google and at the same time, my C++ professor also taught us about the implementation of the actual data structure in my class a few days ago.I am amazed by how those things related to one and other and at the same time,I was thankful for all the fascinating creations that was designed by intelligent computer scientist and I wish that I can be one of them.Maybe I just need time to acquire new knowledge.This is definitely a good sign telling me that I shouldn't give up so easily.

Sweet and Sour Sauce(With Pineapple) with Fish Fillet and Homemade Potatoes

Yummy!!!!I am craving for something sweet and sour these few days so I cook my yummy sweet and sour sauce and I added pineapple into sauce this time. Besides my improved sauce,I also make some homemade fried potatoes for the first time.I like it so much!!!!^-^

Crying is useless

Everything went wrong lately. I have tried my best to face whatever obstacles that are blocking my way to success but my hard work doesn't seem to pay off.I have somehow given up on trying and tired of working hard everyday but gaining nothing. I am not happy even though when I get high marks for my other classes because I have strong feeling that I am going to fail my c++ course. I feel like I have spent most of time on this course and yet I just couldn't do well. Is it true that I can only do things that I am good at?Does it mean that I could never succeed no matter how hard I have tried?I know that crying is useless but even if I did something useful,it still won't work.I went to TA office hours,lab hours,making appointment with my TA,sending email to my TA......Is there anything else that I can try?I really hate myself crying and having to admit that I am not smart enough to be computer science major.In the past few years,I had been holding back my tears and I only cried alone under the moonlight but now I just can't stay strong anymore.I have lost my balance of life.I hope people who love me are by my sides when I need them most but nobody is there.I have put too much burdens on my shoulders and yet I know that I can't really let them go.I don't want to see my puffy eyes when I stand in front of the mirror again and yet crying is my only way.Sorry for making you all listen to me crying on the phone.I promised that I won't do that again.

Shamini's Famous First Omelet

Shamini, above are the photos for your first and foremost omelet. Thank for cooking for me!!!^_^

First Love

I was alone for a long time.Then,during my 20th birthday,I make a wish-to find my first love. My wish did come true but now I regret of making that wish.Before that,I though the color of my first love will be my favorite pink accompanied by cotton candies and lollipops. I thought my very first love story will be kept in the small and delicate sweet memory box in my heart. But,then,everything just went wrong. I wish that I can erase the entire first love story of mine because it hurts so much.Now,first love is bitter for me. Sometimes it even kills me whenever I thought of it.It is not accompanied by anything nice and sweet but instead,it is associated with tears and pain. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't make that silly wish that I will regret forever.



Utada Hikaru - First Love - Fushigi Yuugi via Noolmusic.com


Get Video Code For YouTube AMV Anime Music Video - Utada Hikaru - First Love - Fushigi Yuugi

I am back to who I was now

When Shamini left today, I have a sudden feeling of emptiness. I am back to who I was before that. Working until late at night even during holidays, coming back with an empty stomach with all other homeworks waiting for me to complete.I feel so afraid to walk down the same path again where tears drop down my face every single moment when I am conscious about myself and my only accompaniment is the my pillow and the four walls around my room. Is it because I still can't let it go or is it because too much sorrow in the past that stop me from moving on?I thought everything will be fine.I thought I had recovered completely.But,maybe I am just pretending to be happy.I have went through all these terrible moments by myself.Even though all I did is just crying until I am too tired to think, I haven't let go my responsibility as a student.I was still studying and doing homework when I am crying. I realized that there are some clear water mark on some of my assignments because of my tears. Everybody asks me to move on. But, what does moving on means? Do you know what I have lost? It is not a just an useless guy. I have lost two friends, my trust,my life principles and my beliefs. I used to trust every single things that others told me easily but now I doesn't want to trust any other guy except for my father and my brother. For me, guys just appear to be helpful and sincere to a girl so as to take advantage of her and after that,he will suddenly disappear or turn into a monster who doesn't even bother to care about you when you are sick. I used to believe in fairy tales. But, now, I think fairy tales are just a fantasy that would never become a reality for me. I doubt if true love still exist. My main principle in terms of forgiving others is that I will never do anything to take revenge on those who have hurt me because hurting them will only make me as bad as them. But then I realized that there is a limit to forgiveness. How can forgive a person who doesn't even want my forgiveness? Moreover, is there anything to move on if I all am doing now is just the same as all I did before I was hurt? There is still tons of homeworks and exams waiting ahead of me and the only thing that I can do is just waiting for my tears to dry.


To my lovely sister, it is really not true that I doesn't care about you that I didn't want to mention anything about you in my blog but it's just that your love is too far away. But,I promised you that I will always have that special place for you in my heart. Sorry if you think that I am not tough enough to handle my terrible love story. I have really tried my best but the pain that I have in the past is too great that I am too weak to fight back.

A treat for my guest- Nasi lemak

Cirque Du Soleil

It has been long time since I watch a circus. It reminds me of my sweet childhood memories where I am so addicted to fairy tales.The show is really great and I was amazed by the quality of the performance.

My very first FISH!!!!! ^_^

Before cleaning


After Cleaning


Sue Yen,thanks you for your Cleaning Fish 101 class.The fish really smells so bad when I try to clean it. Let's see the result!

Bak Kut Teh(with pork and extra egg)

So,this is the bak kut teh cooked by my senior.He added extra egg and some vegetables to make it seems more tempting but I still think that the one I cooked taste better...Hehe

我变了

最近的我时常想起从前的我。望着镜子前的我，我突然觉得自己很可悲。到底最近发生了什么事？我究竟是怎么了？假如你问我最近在忙些什么，我会毫不犹豫地告诉你我在埋头苦读。我记得从前的我无论觉得多累，我还是会咬紧牙根去上课。但是，从前的我清楚地知道我并不爱读书，所以我往往只会临时抱佛脚。现在的我却天天把自己关在那零乱无比的房间里读书，仿佛我的世界就只有那无穷无尽的知识等待我去追寻，就好像完全与世隔绝一样。这是因为我变得爱读书了吗？不是的。我知道读书是我身为学生应尽的责任，但它并不是我的全部。这是因为我害怕，我害怕面对着那四四方方的墙壁，更害怕去面对我那破碎的心。我真的希望有人能轻轻地拍拍我的头，告诉我这一切会过去的，我会没事的。我最渴望见到的天使，到底你什么时候才会出现？我想在这个孤独的星期五晚上陪伴着我的仍然是那四四方方的墙壁与那不能说话的课本。

把悲伤留给自己

亲爱的朋友，
你知道当我将埋藏在心里的话说出来的时候，我需要多大的勇气吗？你知道我流了多少的眼泪才做出这个决定吗？我并不是要让全世界了解我的痛苦，我只希望得到那小小的安慰。我知道你只不过是出自于一片好心，但我却有一种被背叛的感觉。

遥远的你，
我真的只希望能有人能与我分担我的痛苦。我真的无意要说那些话来中伤你。我真的不希望看到全世界的人都讨厌你。我真的真心地希望你能活得快乐。我真的无意将我的快乐建立在你的痛苦上。对不起，我只能在此对你说声抱歉，希望你能原谅我的自私和无知。如今，我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么。也许我唯一能做的就是把悲伤留给自己，靠自己的能力去拼凑我那破碎的心。

叶子

我看着掉落在地面上的叶子，突然觉得我与它有好多相似的地方。曾几何时，它也曾生长在那温暖的大树上，享受着阳光的照射，习惯了被呵护的感觉。可是，好景不常在，一瞬间，那无情的大风把它吹走了，把它带到一个很远很远的地方。人们不再像从前那样欣赏它的美，甚至任意的糟蹋它。它一次又一次的从悲伤中爬起来。它多么希望能回到从前，回到那温暖的家，但它回不去了。它清楚地知道过去了的事不可能重来。它唯一能做的只有等待，等待着大风再次吹起的时候，希望风能了解它对家思念，希望风能把它带回到属于它的家。

对不起

当寂寞的铃声响起，思念又把我带到从前，让我想起当时的你。
我在无人的荒岛上流浪，寻找着一个依靠。
你的出现让我看见了希望，但你却突然消失了，让我重新回到那无情的荒岛上。
一瞬间，我失去了平衡，也失去了方向。
我不晓得如何去拼凑我那破碎的心。
我更加不知道如何去找回从前那无忧无虑的我。
我只好三番四次地找回从前的你，希望你能带领我找回我的方向。
我知道那只是个天真的想法。
我也清楚地知道我们无法回到从前，但天真的我总爱保留着那不可能实现的希望，盼望着我们的相见能带来的转变。
我真的不晓得我那愚蠢的想法无意中伤害了你，也伤害了我自己。
我知道我对你的好只会让你更加难受，但我无法控制我对你的想念，更加无法对你残忍。
现在，我唯一能做的就只有在此说声抱歉。对不起。。。。。。。。。希望你能找到属于你的幸福

To My best friend: Nobody can replace you in my heart

Last night I wrote a post about me missing my best friend back in Malaysia and then a few hours after that,she login to her msn.It has been such a long while since the last time I chat with her because she seldom online.I told her about my feelings and how I always think of her when I feel stressful. It turns out that she is struggling with the course that she is taking too and she nearly broke down a few ago. I understand that I am not the only one who is working hard to make things work.But,she said something to me that touches my heart.She told me that things just getting worse when I am not around her anymore. I have to admit that somehow I feel the same way too.Even though I have met new friends after that,nobody can actually replace her in my heart.She is the only one who understand me almost as well as myself and we never actually quarrel before.Every time I need accompaniment, she will always be there for me and we share so many things in common.We even share the same dreams together-to publish a Chinese book all written by ourself. Nothing can beat this 13 years of friendship.I really miss her a lot.I wish that she will be able to overcome all the obstacles in her life and be happy all the time.

Loneliness

Sometimes it is amazing how loneliness can strike me all of a sudden. I realized that every time after I go out with Shamini, I will feel extremely lonely while walking back alone to my apartment. Shouldn't I feel happy and satisfied since I just spend time hanging out with her? Maybe it reminds me where I belong when I have to walk down the street in the dark alone. Somehow I didn't feel attached to anyone over here.It seems to me that those who understand me are so far away from me. I really miss my best friend but I know somehow not only the distance has bring us apart,our different experience will also make a huge difference.I remember telling her that no matter how far we are from each other and how long we didn't meet each other,I will still have a special place for her deep down my heart and she told me that she feel the same way too. Maybe you just can't forget those who have touched your heart before. Maybe that's also why I forgive you for all the bad things that you did to me. Have somebody touched your heart before? I hope that I do have the ability to touch your heart..........

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