Suffer

I cried myself to sleep again last night and I cried again just now while watching the television.I feel so upset that I couldn't take it anymore and guess who is beside me consoling me?Nobody.It has been a thousand times that I close myself in the room,hide myself under the comforter and cry aloud.Sue yen,I know you will scold me if I tell you about this again.But,when I really need somebody to be with you,nobody is there.At the same time,I am too afraid to tell them why am I crying again.It's hard to forget a person who hurts you so much and whom you love so much.I don't mind hating anybody else but the person that I am talking about is somebody whom I have fallen in love with and it really hurt me so much that now he doesn't even care about me anymore.There is nothing that I can do except for crying alone.I don't want to make myself so pitiful but the scar that he leaves behind is hurting me every single moment.I can still remember the day when he left,I was crying while hugging teda telling her that I miss him so much.Two days later,he asked for a break-up and then he doesn't even want to see me again.Imagine how will you feel when you are in my situation.

Love vs Hate

Sue yen,I guess you are right.If I am able to love a person,I will be able to hate him.Whenever I think of him,I really hate him a lot.I hate him for betraying my love.I hate him for not appreciating my love.I hate him for leaving me hanging by not breaking up with me face-to-face.I hate him for making our relationship such a terrible one.I hate him for making our happy moments a torture to me.I hate him for not being responsible.I hate him for not keeping his promises.I hate him for making me cry every single day.I hate him for being cruel to me all the time. I hate him for everything.............How can I ever forgive him?I want a revenge!But,I don't want to hurt his feelings by scolding him again because I end up hurting myself every time. Maybe I can try transforming the energy of hating him to doing something useful like cooking so I have decide that I will cook his favorite food whenever I think of him.

Hurt

Is there an end to the pain that I suffer?Will time heal my wound?What if the scar is still there after a long time?Why am I crying every time? Every negative feeling that I could think of comes to me because of the incident.Jealousy, Hate, Regret,Sorrow............All those feelings are so intense that I can't take it anymore.Maybe it take time but I am rushing myself to forget all about it because I want to be free of those negative feelings.Now,I decided to give myself more time.Whenever I feel like crying,I would just cry aloud.Please don't assume that I have healed completely if I seem happy because I think I need much more time that one may expect.

Memory

When I walk out from the exams hall today,the first thing that comes into my minds is to call him and tell him how do I do in the exams.I remember I used to do that every time in the past.But,now,everything changes.While I was walking back alone,a tear drop down my face.I was just a person who lives in the past.The past has had such a great impact on me that I will have a mental break down whenever thinking about it.I can't run away from it since I can't change the fact that the past still belongs to me.In fact,it is part of me.I know I can't change the past but why it has to interfere with the present?I am torn between the past and the present.What should I do to walk out from the shadow of the past?

The way to forgive a person

Sometimes you may be angry at a person for not being to do what you expect him or her to do but anger can happen in a short period of time and after that,you will wonder why you angry at that person in the first place.Of course,in this situation,the mistake that that person makes maybe small.How about forgiving a person who has make a big mistake which you think you never be able to forgive him or her?I am nothing but a normal human being.It will take lots of courage to forgive such a person.In those situation,I always ask for help from God.I wish that I am tough enough to forgive such a person.What should I do if I had forgiven the person so many times but the person didn't appreciate that?Then it is his or her problem because I have done my best.I always think that if you treat a person bad,then there is some problems with you attitude.However, if the person treat you bad and you want to revenge by treating him bad in return then both the person and you are at fault.For me, the way you treat your enemy reveals your true self or maybe the evil side of yourself.Can you forgive your enemy? But,is there a limit to forgiveness? I believe that everyone has his or her very own bottom line but I am still searching for that line.For those who want to challenge me, you are more than welcome.

Sorry

I just want to apologize for the last post.It is not my intention to hurt anybody.What I want to say is that I am angry and disappointed by his action but I am not angry at him.Maybe it sounds weird when I say that but I really mean that.I would never hate a person whom I fall in love before.However,I really think that I live a happier life without him because I used to crying every time I am with him feeling insecure.Now that the relationship is over,I feel relief.If you ask me if I had forgotten everything about him,I would say no because it is quite an experience for me.However,I decided that I still want to be friends with him just because I like him as a friend and nothing more than that.I may still cry once-in-a-while when looking at the past but that's just who I am.I am that kind of person who like to reflect on my past and learn from my mistake.After all,all human beings are gifted with the ability of learning from their own mistake.So far,there are only 2 people in the world who have broken my heart before.So,I always wonder if I had done my best and treated them as good as possible.I realized that I do make some mistakes when being together with them but still I wish that we can be best friends.Even though a friend is so far away from you,somehow you will still keep them in a special position inside your heart.Friendship is just what I need and nothing more.

Sick

I have a fever last night.After eating a pill,I went to sleep.After having almost 12 hours of sleep,i wake up and found out that my head is spinning.The worst part is that I can't actually talk much now since I am having a sore throat at the same time.Sigh.No delicious food for me today.All I can eat is just porridge and bread but maybe it's fine for me since I don't really have the appetite to eat ianything.Sigh.Two of my CS exams are coming.How can I be sick at this critical time?

My second recipe- Tofu with dried prawn

Insomnia

It's 3.37am and I am still awake.I am back to who I am now,a person who sleeps in the evening and wake up in the middle of the night.What happen to me?I used to that when I am too sad to sleep because before I sleep,I will always reflect on the recent happening that took place.But now,I am too scare to think about it.Maybe that's why i want to let myself be as tired as I could but i know it doesn't work.I feel so weak with all the tortures to my mind.I end up being mentally and physically exhausted.What should I do?For every single word I said to him,he won't listen.Am I demanding too much?I just want to put an end to all my sufferings but he don't even want to face it.All he said is just that he is a bad guy so being a bad guy, he can be irresponsible.For me, it's just a lame excuse,an excuse that frees him from responsibility.Again,he choose to take the easy way out. How can one grow if he is too afraid to face the truth?I am prepare to face the truth now even though the truth is often cruel but this problem belongs to the two of us.I can't move on if he is too afraid to face me.I know that even if I go and talk to him,he won't listen to me or he might just pretending to listen or he might just walk away and let me continue suffering.My only wish is that he listen to every single word I said and let me cry in front of him as hard as I could.Is he brave enough to do that?

My best mooncake festival lunch ever

I cook my favorite dish- vegetable with braised mushroom today to celebrate mooncake festival and it turns out pretty well.I consider it as the most delicious food that I have cooked so far.Sue yen,thank you very much for your recipe!

If there isn't any beginning,then there shouldn't be any ending

I am confused.If there isn't any beginning after all,then there shouldn't be any ending.I remember suffering through the beginning and crying over for the bad ending and everything in between is not really something that I considered as "happy".So,I ask myself.What is that chunk of memory then?I regret but yet I feel that it is so unreal.I let you stab my fagile heart into pieces and end up hurting myself.Why do I suffer the pain of that chunk of memory when there isn't any beginning after all?Do I care so much about the beginning and the ending?Maybe but I believe that there is a cause for all happenings so there must be a beginning in order to reach the ending.Maybe it's just me who is so stubborn to let it go but who will get hurt for nothing?Are you going to tell me that it is a bad dream that happens in my real life?It is really like a dream for me because we are back to what we are before the beginning.Maybe I just trying to escape from the pain but it seems to me that nothing is left from that chunk of memory except for the meaningless pain that you brought to me.Now I am still wondering if there is any beginning in the first place but if there isn't any beginning,why would there be an ending?

Nothing is forever

Is there an end to all the pain that i feel now?I thought i am tired enough today but i realise that i can't stop thinking about him even when i close my eyes.Then,the next thing i know is that I am crying again.Then,tons of thoughts and memory start to appear on my mind. What is left when all my trusts for you are gone?I remember sue yen's reply,"nothing is left,just move on".Now,I agree with her that nothing is left,not even a single piece of sweet memory because all those happy moment just hurts me more than anything else.How many have I cry because of the cruel words that he say to me?Countless.Then,why am i still calling him?To get hurt again?I don't know.Maybe it's my heart that tells me to do so and I just follow my heart even though my mind keeps warning me to avoid him.I know that I have to let it go even though i thought i have risked everything for him.For me,it's not that we doesn't match each other,it is just that he doesn't love me anymore.Actually,i know that this break-up will happen eventually.Almost everytime i hug him,I had already feel the pain of losing him and that is why i often cry but somehow i heard a small voice telling me that it doen't matter.Why it doesn't matter?Maybe i am just trying to cherish every moment we are together because I know that it won't last for long.I thought at least something like friendship and true love will last forever but it's just a dream that will never come true.Life will eventually leads to death just like love will eventually die away.Nothing is forever.............................

Mental Break down

Countless tears have drop down my faces because of you.I think I start to lose confidence of myself.I want to scold you as much as possible but at the same time i know that it wouldn't help.I feel so angry to myself because of trusting you and at the same time i couldn't stop blaming myself.I just can't hate you even though deep down i want to do so.I end up hating myself.Why am I putting all the responsibility on myself if I somehow know I have try my best?I thought I must have done something wrong in some way.Am I not good enough?I don't know.I just think that I am the stupiest person in the world.How can I forgive a person who hurts me so much?And I even ask for help from God so that I can have the strength to forgive you.It kills me when I think of every moment that I spend with you because I really don't know if there is any truth left?Are you forcing yourself to be happy when we are together?Am I such a horrible person to be with?I just have no faith on myself anymore.I feel like it is the end of the world.I try as hard as I could to keep myself busy but when I am free for even a single second,I feel sad and tears start dripping down.I feel so helpless.What can I do to make myself feel better?Cry as much as I want?Sometimes I found myself shaking while hiding inside my comforter.I am so afraid.I don't want to be burden to my friends but at the same time I wish that I can have a big hug.I feel that I am so fragile but I just don't want to show the weak part of me to anybody.What can I do?I really don't know.......................

Transforming image using C++ ( My First Machine problem)

The original image

After making some transfomation,I create the image above!

WHAT DO I LOOK FOR IN A GUY?

1. Must be taller than me because i am short enough.
2. Preferably wear glasses.
3. Have a attractive and friendly smile.
4. Serious at work and hardworking.
5. Must not be a smoker or a alcoholic.
6. Must be sincere to friends and family.
7. Willing to share my happiness and sadness.
8. Willing to listen to me when I need someone to talk to,especially at night.
9. Must keep his promise to me.
10. Preferably willing to wear pink shirts.
11. Must know how to speak mandarin but he doesn't have to be a chinese.
12.....re-consider next time.

Coffee and me

It's one o'clock in the morning but I am still awake as usual.Why I want to stay up so late at night to study?I could have waken up early in the morning like others but I prefer the night atmosphere. I have the blinking stars and bright moon to keep me accompany. I think somehow I begin to claim midnight as my secret territory because I could have total privacy almost every wonderful night. When sun rises, I have to be active and catch up with the busy hustle and bustle of the city. So, I promise myself to give myself a break at night. Guess what is my best friend in the middle of the night? Coffee!!! Here I am.Making coffee under the moonlight again. Actually,I don't like drinking coffee that much.Sometimes I even think that coffee is too bitter. But, I like to let the aroma of the coffee wafts through the air. The smell of the coffee is so tempting that I want to take a sip of it. So,basically,drinking coffee in a quite and peaceful night is the best treat for me after a tiring day.

Computers

When my friends told me that one has to think like a machine if one wants to succeed in computer science, I was so surprised that no words come out from my mouth. I didn't realise that it was so difficult for a girl to study computer science until I came to this country. In most of my classes, you can only see a few girls decorating the lecture hall. Yes, women can definitely be considered as minority in the computer science department. In fact, a considerate professor even set up unisex class for the advantage of this group of "minority" students. What make it so hard to be a woman in computer science? Of course, computer science might turns out to be a more challenging course for a little girl like me but deep down I tell myself that nothing is impossible. My lecturer mentions something about artificial intelligence that grabs my attention. Can a computer be more intelligent than a normal human? When computer was first introduced, many people were afraid that computers will eventually take over the role of human beings in most important industries. However, they seem to overestimate the ability of a computer. The truth is that a computer can only solve algorithms and nothing else. Alan Turing even able to prove that there are some problems which is considered easy for us but cannot be solved by a computer. It is sad that people tend to neglect the fact that computers are invented by human beings. If humans are much more intelligent than computers, what makes it difficult for one to think like a machine? Maybe because most people are not confident with their ability. My advice is believe in yourself and try your best to make your dreams come true!

Courage

I used to be afraid of studying alone at night but I am willing to drop countless tears while holding a textbook in the middle of the night.I used to be very afraid of loneliness.But, I was brave enough to leave my beloved ones in the search of knowledge. I used to be afraid of walking alone in the dark but to attend class, I will drag my body to walk telling myself that there are nothing to be afraid. I used to be afraid of travelling alone from one place to another but I tell myself that there is nothing to be afraid of if you really love somebody. But he asks to take back my courage and tell me to be the old me who afraid of everything. Why ask me to be afraid of everything again? Why not give it a try? Are you sure that you won't regret if you don't give it a try? Love is about learning to give and receive but I won't learn if you always deny my love. I would like to learn from you, learn to appreaciate our resources,learn to protect our mother earth but you just want to keep your knowleadge to yourself. I do not intend to change who you are because I like the real you. I blame myself for not being able to give you the courage you need. I blame myself for not being able to be afraid again. Sorry for having the courage to tell you that love you. Sorry for having the courage to accept you.Sorry for my courage.

Summer

When I woke up today, I was greeted by rays of the red hot sun. I could not believe my eyes when I saw the bright sun shining in the blue sky. I used to be pampered by the warmth of the sun when I was back in my home country but now I began to appreciate this gift of God when the cruel winter stole away my red burning sun. I have to admit that sometimes I am so greedy that I want to see both the smiling sun and the happy snowman from my window but I know very clearly that it is impossible. In real life, we cannot have everything that we want since we will have to make a choice at certain stage of life. Have we made the right choice? We will never know the answer to this question even after we have taken responsibility for our decision because every path leads to a different life. However, throughout the process of making a wise decision, we learned. We learned to appreciate the people and things around us. We learned to sacrifice for love which is the most precious things in our life. I remember when I first came to this country; I told myself that I have to be strong enough to bear with the pain of not having my beloved family beside me. Since I have made the decision to study abroad, I will take the full responsibility for the choice that I made but this does not mean that I have to give up my love for my family. Even though they are so far away from me now, I can still feel their love and they will always stay in my heart wherever I am. They are people who shower me with love and give me support when I am about to give up. I own them so much but what can I do to repay them? Someone once says that love can never be repaid. I would say that it is true that there is nothing I can do to repay their priceless love. The only thing that I can do is to take good care of myself because I know that they love me so much that they only wish me to be happy always. Deep down, I know that I miss them so much but what can do? I can only wait. I can only wait for the summer to come. I can only wait for the time for reunion to come. But, before that, I will have to wait patiently for the time to come. Now, I can only welcome the arrival of the red hot sun with open arms and hope for summer to come.

Have I lost myself?

I remember the olden days days when I used to care so much about people around me but now I think somehow studying abroad in this lonely piece of land has brought some negative changes on me. Can I blame on my defense mechanism that protect me from missing home? I feel that I am so weak when I start crying because I miss my loved ones who are so far away from me. To prevent myself from dropping tears, I try to avoid thinking alone because everytime when I fall into serious thought I will sure end up crying for hours. But,I forget about one thing. Does missing someone makes one appear weak?No.I remember asking myself the same question when I first came to US but now I seem to forget about it. Maybe I need time. I know that it is difficult to learn to be independent especially for a person who used to depend so much on her parents but I am confident that I will discover a way to keep things in balance. Now, the most important thing is that I found the old me.Thanks to you. Reading your blogs reminds me of my past. It reminds me of how I used to care so much about those around me and I am so sorry that I have neglect your feelings for all this while. My best friend once told me that she like the old me and wish that I will always stay the same. I learn that I shouldn't sacrifice my love for others in order to be more mature. I promise myself that I will start caring for others again, especially for you.Please give me a chance to show my unconditional love to you.
- shinhwei-