我变了

最近的我时常想起从前的我。望着镜子前的我，我突然觉得自己很可悲。到底最近发生了什么事？我究竟是怎么了？假如你问我最近在忙些什么，我会毫不犹豫地告诉你我在埋头苦读。我记得从前的我无论觉得多累，我还是会咬紧牙根去上课。但是，从前的我清楚地知道我并不爱读书，所以我往往只会临时抱佛脚。现在的我却天天把自己关在那零乱无比的房间里读书，仿佛我的世界就只有那无穷无尽的知识等待我去追寻，就好像完全与世隔绝一样。这是因为我变得爱读书了吗？不是的。我知道读书是我身为学生应尽的责任，但它并不是我的全部。这是因为我害怕，我害怕面对着那四四方方的墙壁，更害怕去面对我那破碎的心。我真的希望有人能轻轻地拍拍我的头，告诉我这一切会过去的，我会没事的。我最渴望见到的天使，到底你什么时候才会出现？我想在这个孤独的星期五晚上陪伴着我的仍然是那四四方方的墙壁与那不能说话的课本。

把悲伤留给自己

亲爱的朋友，
你知道当我将埋藏在心里的话说出来的时候，我需要多大的勇气吗？你知道我流了多少的眼泪才做出这个决定吗？我并不是要让全世界了解我的痛苦，我只希望得到那小小的安慰。我知道你只不过是出自于一片好心，但我却有一种被背叛的感觉。

遥远的你，
我真的只希望能有人能与我分担我的痛苦。我真的无意要说那些话来中伤你。我真的不希望看到全世界的人都讨厌你。我真的真心地希望你能活得快乐。我真的无意将我的快乐建立在你的痛苦上。对不起，我只能在此对你说声抱歉，希望你能原谅我的自私和无知。如今，我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么。也许我唯一能做的就是把悲伤留给自己，靠自己的能力去拼凑我那破碎的心。

叶子

我看着掉落在地面上的叶子，突然觉得我与它有好多相似的地方。曾几何时，它也曾生长在那温暖的大树上，享受着阳光的照射，习惯了被呵护的感觉。可是，好景不常在，一瞬间，那无情的大风把它吹走了，把它带到一个很远很远的地方。人们不再像从前那样欣赏它的美，甚至任意的糟蹋它。它一次又一次的从悲伤中爬起来。它多么希望能回到从前，回到那温暖的家，但它回不去了。它清楚地知道过去了的事不可能重来。它唯一能做的只有等待，等待着大风再次吹起的时候，希望风能了解它对家思念，希望风能把它带回到属于它的家。

对不起

当寂寞的铃声响起，思念又把我带到从前，让我想起当时的你。
我在无人的荒岛上流浪，寻找着一个依靠。
你的出现让我看见了希望，但你却突然消失了，让我重新回到那无情的荒岛上。
一瞬间，我失去了平衡，也失去了方向。
我不晓得如何去拼凑我那破碎的心。
我更加不知道如何去找回从前那无忧无虑的我。
我只好三番四次地找回从前的你，希望你能带领我找回我的方向。
我知道那只是个天真的想法。
我也清楚地知道我们无法回到从前，但天真的我总爱保留着那不可能实现的希望，盼望着我们的相见能带来的转变。
我真的不晓得我那愚蠢的想法无意中伤害了你，也伤害了我自己。
我知道我对你的好只会让你更加难受，但我无法控制我对你的想念，更加无法对你残忍。
现在，我唯一能做的就只有在此说声抱歉。对不起。。。。。。。。。希望你能找到属于你的幸福

To My best friend: Nobody can replace you in my heart

Last night I wrote a post about me missing my best friend back in Malaysia and then a few hours after that,she login to her msn.It has been such a long while since the last time I chat with her because she seldom online.I told her about my feelings and how I always think of her when I feel stressful. It turns out that she is struggling with the course that she is taking too and she nearly broke down a few ago. I understand that I am not the only one who is working hard to make things work.But,she said something to me that touches my heart.She told me that things just getting worse when I am not around her anymore. I have to admit that somehow I feel the same way too.Even though I have met new friends after that,nobody can actually replace her in my heart.She is the only one who understand me almost as well as myself and we never actually quarrel before.Every time I need accompaniment, she will always be there for me and we share so many things in common.We even share the same dreams together-to publish a Chinese book all written by ourself. Nothing can beat this 13 years of friendship.I really miss her a lot.I wish that she will be able to overcome all the obstacles in her life and be happy all the time.

Loneliness

Sometimes it is amazing how loneliness can strike me all of a sudden. I realized that every time after I go out with Shamini, I will feel extremely lonely while walking back alone to my apartment. Shouldn't I feel happy and satisfied since I just spend time hanging out with her? Maybe it reminds me where I belong when I have to walk down the street in the dark alone. Somehow I didn't feel attached to anyone over here.It seems to me that those who understand me are so far away from me. I really miss my best friend but I know somehow not only the distance has bring us apart,our different experience will also make a huge difference.I remember telling her that no matter how far we are from each other and how long we didn't meet each other,I will still have a special place for her deep down my heart and she told me that she feel the same way too. Maybe you just can't forget those who have touched your heart before. Maybe that's also why I forgive you for all the bad things that you did to me. Have somebody touched your heart before? I hope that I do have the ability to touch your heart..........

Pumpkin Carving contest

Finding myself

I realized that these few weeks I have so busy with my homeworks,exams and mps that I have lost myself again.It seems like I am constantly engaging myself with all kinds of activities to forget about my pain. Tonight I am sitting alone in my room and I thought of the question from a friend:What do I like to do? The first thing that came into mind is cooking but cooking is really not something that I like most.Maybe because that is the only thing I can do for the time being since I need to cook everyday anyway.I am not saying that I don't like cooking but I can't really fill in my leisure hour just by cooking because I will end up wasting all the food.So,what I really like to do?I like writing articles with abstract title like "The color of happiness" and "My feeling after a rain".Writing this kind of article reveals my inner thought and makes me feel calm and peaceful.However,I stop writing that kind of article after I came to US.There is always some other things that stress me out and I just have to deal with so many things that I don't really get enough sleep and food.Below is my photos showing the first year I came to US and the recent photo I took:
Before

After

Can you spot the changes?

Struggling to walk away from the past

I try to change myself to somebody else by buying all those things that I didn't even look at them before,engaging my myself in all kinds of activities and even learning how to scold others for bullying me. The only reason for that is to help me to step out from the shadow of the past. The past just tortures me so much that I don't want to have anything associate with it anymore. But, the past is still part of me.I realized that nobody can walk away from the past no matter how hard she tries. There are countless times when I was bullied for trying to be nice to people. I thought they will understand that every single relationship is a gift from God so we need to appreciate people around us,especially those who love us. But then,people start to take advantage of me. It seems like I really need to protect myself from getting hurt again. But whenever that happen,I cry, asking myself why should I treat them so nice and end up hurting myself.I am so vulnerable and so weak. My heart has been broken so many times that I become a person who lives in the dark because I am too afraid that brightness will reveals all the pains that lies deep down in my heart. Maybe I should keep my sadness to myself even though it starts to be a burden for me.

Easy and Yummy Sweet and Sour Prawns

It only takes less than 15minutes to make it and it tastes very good.Guess what?I didn't use ready-made sweet and sour sauce this time.In fact,I make the sauce myself.

Bak Kut Teh

This is my first time cooking bak kut teh and I invited my senior to come over and hava a dinner with me. I am so happy when he said that it taste good and even better than those he made since this is my first trial. He even write "GOOD bak kut teh" in his msn display message right after he went back! Haha....I think the key behind cooking is patience because I have actually cooked the bak kut teh for 4 hours already. Maybe I will cooked it again next time and invite shamini to come over.

Missing you

Even though I hate to admit it,I really miss you. It makes me feel lonelier whenever I start missing you because I know somehow I shouldn't have that kinds of feelings anymore. The reason that I decided to write it on my blog is that I feel that I will only get scolded if I tell anybody about it. How can I miss someone that hurts me so much? I don't understand. Do you what is the cruelest things that you did to me? It is actually all the sweet promises that you made. So, every time I think of you,I feel a sharp knife stabbing my heart and then I cry. I can't face myself.I keep scolding myself for missing you. Is there greater pain than the pain of missing someone who hurts you so deep?

Building a tree of images

Here comes my current C++ assignment.I just glance through the spec for my latest C++ assignment and guess what?Things get even more tedious and interesting this time.I have to build a tree of images! How can this be done? The basic idea is to let the root of the tree to be the whole image and the tiny little pixels of the image to be the leaves for the tree. I was fascinated by the fact that people actually come up with this novel kinds of idea to represent colorful images in different ways. For my last assignment,I was told to represent the image using a list. Now, I learned a more efficient way to manipulate my image - using a tree. It seems to me that people have to struggle to make their program as efficient and as fast as possible. Is it that important to have greater speed in everything? Sigh....I just hope that I can complete this assignment as soon as possible.

Physics Reunion

Today is the first day of my first termal physics class of the semester.After eating a wonderful breakfast, I walk to my physics lecture hall.It has such a long time since I step into the same lecture hall.I was exited because I really miss the comfortable theater-like lecture hall.I like the lighting and the comfortable chair.I remember falling asleep almost every single time when I had my physics lecture over there. Once I step into the lecture hall, I saw my lecturer. He has white and curly hair just like those of Albert Einstein. Maybe the "physics people" just use their brain too much.Haha....Then when my first lecture actually begins, I found that how fun and interesting it is to have so many cool demonstration. Right after my first lecture,I have my discussion section. I realized that I have to make use of all the previous knowledge about momentum and kinetic energy which is a bad news for me because I just hate everything about kinematics.Then,I have a difficult time catching up in my discussion group because everybody just seems to be so smart.Sigh....At the end of the class,my TA comes up with a conclusion that most events that happens in nature are irreversible. Ya,at least I can apply physics in real life.Things that have done can rarely be re-done.

Sue yen,I made all your favorite food specially for you!

Who am I in your eyes?

I found his notebook when i was searching for something under my bed.After reading through it,I found that he didn't mention anything about me in his notebook.It is not a surprise for me though because I can't find anything about me in his blog and facebook. Now,i realized how unimportant i am for him. I thought when you fall in love, the memory of your loved one will at least stay in your brain. The same question occurs in my mind: Has he ever loved me before? It seems to me that he doesn't remember anything about me or even bother to care about me. The worst part is he didn't even miss me or want to see me again.I am heartbroken whenever I think of that. What have I done to deserve that kind of treatment? Is it because I make myself too available for him? I thought the worst ending will only be a break-up but the truth is even worse than that.He didn't even want to see me before and after the break-up. He went back to where he belongs to and never come back after that.It is as if I never exist in his life. I have prepared for the worst before the relationship started but I don't even know that it is even worse than I have expected. I think nobody in the world will be able to understand my feelings. The injury that I suffer is too severe that I don't even how to heal it. Because of love, i get hurt again and again. How can I ever believe in love again?

Learning is a lonely process

I like being around with people,talking to people,cook some delicious food for people because I simply like to be in a crowd.Maybe sometimes one will tend to lose oneself in the crowd but it is always good to have somebody to provide moral support whenever you need.I always heard people saying that learning is about a share of knowledge but it is not true for me.I try to learn with others and share my knowledge with others but I realize that I have too much to learn and too little to share.Sometimes I am so frustrated when I noticed that I have to take a longer time than others just to learn a simple concept.I would like to socialize with others while learning from them but I would always end up falling behind.I feel lonely in the process of learning and thought of giving up so many times.Maybe being alone is not that bad after all.Maybe I will be able to gain more satisfaction if I went through the tedious process of learning all by myself. I am not saying that I do not need friends but if I were to burden a friend while trying to get rid of my loneliness,I would rather stand strong on my own.I know there is still a long to go.I still have some much things to learn.I think I have dropped enough tears to learn every single lesson.Over here,I promised that I will try my best to face any challenges with a big smile instead of crying.

Specially made for you - Nasi lemak

My love

Where is the guy I love? If he is still alive,he will be heartbroken if he realized the pain that I endure.If he is still alive,he will want to meet me and talk to me. If he is still alive,he will feel guilty of what he did and try to calm me down with his love.If he is still alive,he will apologize for everything that he did and promise that he will not do it again to me. If he is still alive, he will not forget his love so easily.If he is still alive, he will not walk away when I need him.If he is still alive,he will not let me cry alone.If he is still alive,he will not hang up the phone while I need somebody to talk to.The guy I love has gone.He has chosen to disappear and run away from me.He has abandoned my love which means nothing to him now.To the guy I love,your love is so shallow that I can't believe that it comes from the guy I love and it make me questions it again and again.If you think you live a better life running away from me, then you aren't the guy I love or maybe you never actually love me before.

Cooking

Sue yen,thanks for your post.He called my just now and I told him that I really miss him and I can't forget about him so easily as he did.I hate it when he said at least he lived a better life than me now.Who is the one who bring all this sufferings to me?Who is the one who make my life miserable?I feel like an idiot for missing a guy like that but I can't deny the fact that I really do miss him but he has changed.The guy I used to fall in love with doesn't exist anymore.I did do what suggest me to do.In middle of the night,I start cooking sambal which I may not even have the appetite to eat.Cutting the onion makes me cry again but I feel better because I didn't cook for myself this time.I cook for the old "him" whom I miss so much but "he" doesn't exist anymore.