寂寞

当寂寞的铃声响起，我又想起了他，一个让我又爱又恨的人。我付出了我的真心，但换来的却是他的绝情。好不容易才交上的好友也将要离我而去。为什么几乎每个学期的开始我都会独自落泪？我已经尽量避免一个人走在那无人且漆黑的街上，但我还是逃不了独自在那空虚的房间哭泣的命运。为什么我每次都要从零开始？为什么我总要带着满满的希望去寻找那个懂得我的人然后又无奈地看着他悄悄地离去？难道我真的注定了必须一个人度过我在这里的日子吗？我真的能继续撑下去吗？难道那个愿意给我依靠的肩膀真的不可能出现吗？

A Happy Day

Today, Shamini accompanied me to the Aquatics Center to swimming.Even though I have come to this university for more than 1 and 1/2 year,I have never stepped into the Aquatics Center in the Campus Recreation Center before. The Aquatics Center is actually a very cool place to swim and have fun.There are a small jacuzzi area, water slide and even a water volleyball court. There are a lot of people in the swimming pool.Most parents like to bring their kids to the swimming pool and they splash water all over the place. I like the place a lot and I plan to visit the place more often once the school starts. After swimming for almost an hour,we walk to Flat Top for lunch.The food is quite nice especially the dessert. The dessert is called "Triple Chocolate Storm" and it is really yummy!!!Shamini, thank you so much for such a nice treat!!!


Aquatics Center



Our Mix-and-Match meal



Our dessert-Triple Chocolate Storm



Me and my yummy dessert

I JUST WANNA BRUSH MY TEETH

I was still sleeping on my comfortable bed before Shamini wake me up this morning. She told me water is coming out from the toilet bowl so much so that the whole bathroom is flooded and the water even start coming out to my bedroom!!Then I had to get out from my bed and call the maintenance people to come over and fixed the toilet.When I try to open the door for the maintenance guy,I realized that even my kitchen is flooded but the weird thing is no water coming out from any part of the kitchen(not even from the sink). The guy told me that something is stuck in the toilet but even he had no idea about the water on the kitchen.However, he told me that somebody will come over later and extract all the water out for me. He also told me that I will not be responsible for paying for the mess since I had no idea that pushing a button behind the toilet bowl will have stop the water from flooding the place. This is the second time in US that my place is flooded.Even though the first time happened when I was back in a temporary dorm,I am very upset now.Sigh.......All I want is just to brush my teeth.....why?????

Am I meant to be alone?

Am I meant to be alone all the time when I study in US? Looking back at all the things that I have done in US,I realized that I have been spending too much time on my studies. I really didn't make that many new friends.I seldom take the initiative to talk to new people.All I did was just staying within the same circle of friends and treat them as good as possible or calling friends whom I meet in INTEC and talk to them for hours whenever I feel lonely. I used to be to dependent on my friends because they are the only support I get when I am here. But,now, who should I depend on? I don't want the same dull life again. I don't want to live like a machine created just to study and get good results. But, what else can I do?Those who claim to love me left me when I need them the most while those who really do love me end up leaving me too. It seems to me that nobody wants to be besides me no matter how hard I tried. Am I that bad? What have I done to deserve all these?

Nasi Tomato

椰汁汤圆

The one and only dessert I made for my guest-Alicia. I try eating it while it was still warm then I try putting it into the fridge.The tang yuen tastes so good with the cold coconut milk!!!!

A Make Over For My Bedroom

Before










After










Wonder what do I usually do after my exams? I will start cleaning my room since I have been throwing everything all over the place during my exams. I think I did a pretty good job in cleaning it.I like my room now!!!!! ^-^

A song that My sister and I always sing when we go to Karaoke

My family

Looking at Sue Yen's sister photos reminds me of my family.I remember my mum used to call me everyday I was back in INTEC. But,after I came to US,I seldom talk to my mum and my sister already.Even though they still call me once in a while,I am too afraid to call them already.I remember back at home,I will hide in my room whenever I feel sad and then my sister will always come and console me so I can't really hide anything from my family especially my sister.She is like my best friend whom I always share my feelings and thought with. Why I stop calling them then?It is not that I don't care about them or forget about them.It's just that I just don't want them to be worried about me and that's why I always call them after I have settled every problem that I face. I know that if my mum were to know that I cry very often and feel very unhappy over here,she will be so worried that she may even ask me to give up and go back to Malaysia. There are times when I feel so tired that I just want to give up but whenever I thought of them,I will keep telling myself that I have to stay strong for my family because they are the only reason that keeps me here. Maybe the cost of growing up is to suffer separation from your loved one but deep down I know that I miss my family so much.There is no really place like home.
.

Last day of class

Finally it is the end of my last day of instructions. To celebrate this special day,I would like to give a brief description of what I have accomplished in this tough and challenging semester. Firstly,I wish to announce proudly that I have only missed one single class for this semester which is actually an optional review session for every Friday and I have a pretty reasonable excuse for missing that class- to sign the 2008 lease for my apartment. Maybe some people will think that class attendance is not really a big deal but according to what I learned from my psychology class,attending class is one of the determinant for success in college even though it is not a sufficient condition for success. Among all the classes I have taken this semester,I like psychology the most simply because it is applicable to my daily life. However, I feel strongly that both cs courses that I have taken has prepared me well for my future career. Even though I struggle hard with my C++ class,I feel that I have learned a lot from it and it enables me to give more professional opinions about the pro and cons of different algorithms. To mark the end of this class, my professor decided to held a pizza party + review session(in the form of a game show) tonight so I am really looking forward for the party tonight and hopefully it will be fun.

First snow

Last night I didn't have enough sleep so I was quite unwilling to wake up for my 9am class today.But,it is the second last day of the semester before the finals so I get up anyway even though my head is still spinning.Suddenly,the brightness of the sunlight outside the window grabs my attention so I draw my curtain and found out that almost every corner along the street is covered with snow.It is the first snow of the year.I remember the first snow I had ever seen in US is not that beautiful since it is not heavy enough and it only lasted for a few hours but this year it is awesome.I wish that I have time to enjoy the snow and took some photos but today is such a busy day.After coming back from class,I had to go to TA office hour to ask about the problem with my circuit design. My TA turned out to be not that helpful but I still manage to solve the problem by myself. I was supposed to hand in my homework by 5pm but I barely finished around that time so I have to run towards the office and hand in my last homework for circuit design.I have never hand in my homework in the very last minutes before but I guess I wouldn't have chance to do it again this semester since classes will be after two days. When I walk out from the office,the sky is already dark. Sigh....I wish that I could at least take a picture of the snow.

Thank you for your motivation

I remember the first when I tried to make the sambal, I feel like giving up because it is so spicy that it actually burns my hands.But,because of my promise to you,I was crying while cooking my first nasi lemak. However,only the rice turns out to be nice and eatable but the sambal is such a disaster that Teda even makes fun of me. However,luck is on my side for the second time and from that time onward,I am quite proud of my cooking skills. So,today,I invited my senior to come over and tasted my nasi lemak.Hahaa.....He finished 3 bowls of rice and praised that I can actually start selling nasi lemak along the street in Malaysia.....Hahhaha.....He says the rice is the best compare to the eggs and the sambal because I put the right amount of santan and ginger...Hahhaha......But,he also comments about me not frying the ikan bilis before mixing it with the sambal.Sigh.....He always try to pick out my small mistakes....But,still,I am thankful for being able to learn how to cook nasi lemak by myself because I can actually cook for my friends whenever they visit me.I just want to say thank you for the person who motivates me in learning to cook nasi lemak.Hope that you will have the chance to try my version of nasi lemak....

My life

What have done these few days? I was attending classes,doing homework in front of my laptop and studying. I am eating just for the sake of eating.I am eating just to survive. I went to sleep when I am tired and when I want to escape from reading and doing homework. So,basically,my life is mostly dominated by my studies.How many hours I spend in front of my laptop?My answer will be almost every single moment when I am awake minus the time I spent in class.My roommate encouraged me to go out and socialize more often. I was quite surprised by the fact people actually have to telling me to relax and have fun because I was not that kind of person who like to stay alone in the house all the time.In fact,if someone was to tell me to stay alone for one day without talking to anybody,it will be a cruel punishment for me. Is it true that I have started to develop an antisocial personality?Is it true that I keep locking myself up in a small space and avoid those situation where I feel insecure? I am quite worried about myself and yet I don't know what to do. I know that I feel unhappy living this way but maybe this is what I choose to be. Computer is my only life for it will never betray me.

Escape from the real world

Today when I was about the step out of the house rushing for classes,my housemate ask if I am okay since she heard me crying last night.I try to force a smile on my face to avoid answering her question.There had been so many times that I had cried silently under my comforter hoping that the pain will disappear or I will be able to fall asleep in the end.But,I cried aloud underneath my comforter last night.Sue yen,I remember you telling me that I may not be so lucky that whenever I cry,I will have a listener who is patient enough to hear me crying.But,I realized that even though I can call somebody and cry on the phone,I still hope that there will be somebody besides me giving me a hug and telling me that everything will be fine.The sad part is that that somebody never actually exist.I am so afraid of living in the real world now because I am so afraid of having all kinds of negative emotions that will kill me deep down. This time I want to escape from the real world by entering the world of computer so decided to continue writing this post using the assembly language that I had learned.


START LD Post,(My Memory 1)
AND Physical Pain Crying, Painful Menstrual Periods
AND Mental Pain,Forget him while missing him, Pretend tat I am fine when answering
his call
MUL Torture, , Physical Pain,Mental Pain
BN Emotion, #H
BNN Emotion, #S
BZ Emotion,#R

H SUB Final level of happiness, Initial level of happiness, A call
S ADD Worse, Crying, Loneliness
R ROBOT with no feeling

ST (My Memory 1) , Date
ADD Date,Date,1
JUMP START

Never give up

I was really frustrated by the fact I can't really complete my mp in time but since there is a late hand in policy that allows us to hand in our mp 24 hours after the deadline for 20% off the total grades so I give it a try again.Even though I didn't manage to get it 100% right but I am happy enough since I am able to solve some of the major errors of program. Sometimes when I am losing confidence of my ability to program,I went downhill and the situation becomes even worse when I am working under pressure. There are so many times that I feel like giving up and just admitting to the world that I can't do well in computer science because I am bad at programming. But,whenever I feel like giving up, something will happen and then I find myself falling in love with computer science again. For example,this morning my Linear Algebra professor suddenly invited a speaker to talk to us about application of matrices in search engines such as Google and at the same time, my C++ professor also taught us about the implementation of the actual data structure in my class a few days ago.I am amazed by how those things related to one and other and at the same time,I was thankful for all the fascinating creations that was designed by intelligent computer scientist and I wish that I can be one of them.Maybe I just need time to acquire new knowledge.This is definitely a good sign telling me that I shouldn't give up so easily.

Sweet and Sour Sauce(With Pineapple) with Fish Fillet and Homemade Potatoes

Yummy!!!!I am craving for something sweet and sour these few days so I cook my yummy sweet and sour sauce and I added pineapple into sauce this time. Besides my improved sauce,I also make some homemade fried potatoes for the first time.I like it so much!!!!^-^

Crying is useless

Everything went wrong lately. I have tried my best to face whatever obstacles that are blocking my way to success but my hard work doesn't seem to pay off.I have somehow given up on trying and tired of working hard everyday but gaining nothing. I am not happy even though when I get high marks for my other classes because I have strong feeling that I am going to fail my c++ course. I feel like I have spent most of time on this course and yet I just couldn't do well. Is it true that I can only do things that I am good at?Does it mean that I could never succeed no matter how hard I have tried?I know that crying is useless but even if I did something useful,it still won't work.I went to TA office hours,lab hours,making appointment with my TA,sending email to my TA......Is there anything else that I can try?I really hate myself crying and having to admit that I am not smart enough to be computer science major.In the past few years,I had been holding back my tears and I only cried alone under the moonlight but now I just can't stay strong anymore.I have lost my balance of life.I hope people who love me are by my sides when I need them most but nobody is there.I have put too much burdens on my shoulders and yet I know that I can't really let them go.I don't want to see my puffy eyes when I stand in front of the mirror again and yet crying is my only way.Sorry for making you all listen to me crying on the phone.I promised that I won't do that again.

Shamini's Famous First Omelet

Shamini, above are the photos for your first and foremost omelet. Thank for cooking for me!!!^_^

First Love

I was alone for a long time.Then,during my 20th birthday,I make a wish-to find my first love. My wish did come true but now I regret of making that wish.Before that,I though the color of my first love will be my favorite pink accompanied by cotton candies and lollipops. I thought my very first love story will be kept in the small and delicate sweet memory box in my heart. But,then,everything just went wrong. I wish that I can erase the entire first love story of mine because it hurts so much.Now,first love is bitter for me. Sometimes it even kills me whenever I thought of it.It is not accompanied by anything nice and sweet but instead,it is associated with tears and pain. Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I shouldn't make that silly wish that I will regret forever.



Utada Hikaru - First Love - Fushigi Yuugi via Noolmusic.com


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