I am back to who I was now

When Shamini left today, I have a sudden feeling of emptiness. I am back to who I was before that. Working until late at night even during holidays, coming back with an empty stomach with all other homeworks waiting for me to complete.I feel so afraid to walk down the same path again where tears drop down my face every single moment when I am conscious about myself and my only accompaniment is the my pillow and the four walls around my room. Is it because I still can't let it go or is it because too much sorrow in the past that stop me from moving on?I thought everything will be fine.I thought I had recovered completely.But,maybe I am just pretending to be happy.I have went through all these terrible moments by myself.Even though all I did is just crying until I am too tired to think, I haven't let go my responsibility as a student.I was still studying and doing homework when I am crying. I realized that there are some clear water mark on some of my assignments because of my tears. Everybody asks me to move on. But, what does moving on means? Do you know what I have lost? It is not a just an useless guy. I have lost two friends, my trust,my life principles and my beliefs. I used to trust every single things that others told me easily but now I doesn't want to trust any other guy except for my father and my brother. For me, guys just appear to be helpful and sincere to a girl so as to take advantage of her and after that,he will suddenly disappear or turn into a monster who doesn't even bother to care about you when you are sick. I used to believe in fairy tales. But, now, I think fairy tales are just a fantasy that would never become a reality for me. I doubt if true love still exist. My main principle in terms of forgiving others is that I will never do anything to take revenge on those who have hurt me because hurting them will only make me as bad as them. But then I realized that there is a limit to forgiveness. How can forgive a person who doesn't even want my forgiveness? Moreover, is there anything to move on if I all am doing now is just the same as all I did before I was hurt? There is still tons of homeworks and exams waiting ahead of me and the only thing that I can do is just waiting for my tears to dry.


To my lovely sister, it is really not true that I doesn't care about you that I didn't want to mention anything about you in my blog but it's just that your love is too far away. But,I promised you that I will always have that special place for you in my heart. Sorry if you think that I am not tough enough to handle my terrible love story. I have really tried my best but the pain that I have in the past is too great that I am too weak to fight back.

A treat for my guest- Nasi lemak

Cirque Du Soleil

It has been long time since I watch a circus. It reminds me of my sweet childhood memories where I am so addicted to fairy tales.The show is really great and I was amazed by the quality of the performance.

My very first FISH!!!!! ^_^

Before cleaning


After Cleaning


Sue Yen,thanks you for your Cleaning Fish 101 class.The fish really smells so bad when I try to clean it. Let's see the result!

Bak Kut Teh(with pork and extra egg)

So,this is the bak kut teh cooked by my senior.He added extra egg and some vegetables to make it seems more tempting but I still think that the one I cooked taste better...Hehe

我变了

最近的我时常想起从前的我。望着镜子前的我，我突然觉得自己很可悲。到底最近发生了什么事？我究竟是怎么了？假如你问我最近在忙些什么，我会毫不犹豫地告诉你我在埋头苦读。我记得从前的我无论觉得多累，我还是会咬紧牙根去上课。但是，从前的我清楚地知道我并不爱读书，所以我往往只会临时抱佛脚。现在的我却天天把自己关在那零乱无比的房间里读书，仿佛我的世界就只有那无穷无尽的知识等待我去追寻，就好像完全与世隔绝一样。这是因为我变得爱读书了吗？不是的。我知道读书是我身为学生应尽的责任，但它并不是我的全部。这是因为我害怕，我害怕面对着那四四方方的墙壁，更害怕去面对我那破碎的心。我真的希望有人能轻轻地拍拍我的头，告诉我这一切会过去的，我会没事的。我最渴望见到的天使，到底你什么时候才会出现？我想在这个孤独的星期五晚上陪伴着我的仍然是那四四方方的墙壁与那不能说话的课本。

把悲伤留给自己

亲爱的朋友，
你知道当我将埋藏在心里的话说出来的时候，我需要多大的勇气吗？你知道我流了多少的眼泪才做出这个决定吗？我并不是要让全世界了解我的痛苦，我只希望得到那小小的安慰。我知道你只不过是出自于一片好心，但我却有一种被背叛的感觉。

遥远的你，
我真的只希望能有人能与我分担我的痛苦。我真的无意要说那些话来中伤你。我真的不希望看到全世界的人都讨厌你。我真的真心地希望你能活得快乐。我真的无意将我的快乐建立在你的痛苦上。对不起，我只能在此对你说声抱歉，希望你能原谅我的自私和无知。如今，我真的不知道我还能为你做些什么。也许我唯一能做的就是把悲伤留给自己，靠自己的能力去拼凑我那破碎的心。

叶子

我看着掉落在地面上的叶子，突然觉得我与它有好多相似的地方。曾几何时，它也曾生长在那温暖的大树上，享受着阳光的照射，习惯了被呵护的感觉。可是，好景不常在，一瞬间，那无情的大风把它吹走了，把它带到一个很远很远的地方。人们不再像从前那样欣赏它的美，甚至任意的糟蹋它。它一次又一次的从悲伤中爬起来。它多么希望能回到从前，回到那温暖的家，但它回不去了。它清楚地知道过去了的事不可能重来。它唯一能做的只有等待，等待着大风再次吹起的时候，希望风能了解它对家思念，希望风能把它带回到属于它的家。

对不起

当寂寞的铃声响起，思念又把我带到从前，让我想起当时的你。
我在无人的荒岛上流浪，寻找着一个依靠。
你的出现让我看见了希望，但你却突然消失了，让我重新回到那无情的荒岛上。
一瞬间，我失去了平衡，也失去了方向。
我不晓得如何去拼凑我那破碎的心。
我更加不知道如何去找回从前那无忧无虑的我。
我只好三番四次地找回从前的你，希望你能带领我找回我的方向。
我知道那只是个天真的想法。
我也清楚地知道我们无法回到从前，但天真的我总爱保留着那不可能实现的希望，盼望着我们的相见能带来的转变。
我真的不晓得我那愚蠢的想法无意中伤害了你，也伤害了我自己。
我知道我对你的好只会让你更加难受，但我无法控制我对你的想念，更加无法对你残忍。
现在，我唯一能做的就只有在此说声抱歉。对不起。。。。。。。。。希望你能找到属于你的幸福

To My best friend: Nobody can replace you in my heart

Last night I wrote a post about me missing my best friend back in Malaysia and then a few hours after that,she login to her msn.It has been such a long while since the last time I chat with her because she seldom online.I told her about my feelings and how I always think of her when I feel stressful. It turns out that she is struggling with the course that she is taking too and she nearly broke down a few ago. I understand that I am not the only one who is working hard to make things work.But,she said something to me that touches my heart.She told me that things just getting worse when I am not around her anymore. I have to admit that somehow I feel the same way too.Even though I have met new friends after that,nobody can actually replace her in my heart.She is the only one who understand me almost as well as myself and we never actually quarrel before.Every time I need accompaniment, she will always be there for me and we share so many things in common.We even share the same dreams together-to publish a Chinese book all written by ourself. Nothing can beat this 13 years of friendship.I really miss her a lot.I wish that she will be able to overcome all the obstacles in her life and be happy all the time.

Loneliness

Sometimes it is amazing how loneliness can strike me all of a sudden. I realized that every time after I go out with Shamini, I will feel extremely lonely while walking back alone to my apartment. Shouldn't I feel happy and satisfied since I just spend time hanging out with her? Maybe it reminds me where I belong when I have to walk down the street in the dark alone. Somehow I didn't feel attached to anyone over here.It seems to me that those who understand me are so far away from me. I really miss my best friend but I know somehow not only the distance has bring us apart,our different experience will also make a huge difference.I remember telling her that no matter how far we are from each other and how long we didn't meet each other,I will still have a special place for her deep down my heart and she told me that she feel the same way too. Maybe you just can't forget those who have touched your heart before. Maybe that's also why I forgive you for all the bad things that you did to me. Have somebody touched your heart before? I hope that I do have the ability to touch your heart..........

Pumpkin Carving contest

Finding myself

I realized that these few weeks I have so busy with my homeworks,exams and mps that I have lost myself again.It seems like I am constantly engaging myself with all kinds of activities to forget about my pain. Tonight I am sitting alone in my room and I thought of the question from a friend:What do I like to do? The first thing that came into mind is cooking but cooking is really not something that I like most.Maybe because that is the only thing I can do for the time being since I need to cook everyday anyway.I am not saying that I don't like cooking but I can't really fill in my leisure hour just by cooking because I will end up wasting all the food.So,what I really like to do?I like writing articles with abstract title like "The color of happiness" and "My feeling after a rain".Writing this kind of article reveals my inner thought and makes me feel calm and peaceful.However,I stop writing that kind of article after I came to US.There is always some other things that stress me out and I just have to deal with so many things that I don't really get enough sleep and food.Below is my photos showing the first year I came to US and the recent photo I took:
Before

After

Can you spot the changes?

Struggling to walk away from the past

I try to change myself to somebody else by buying all those things that I didn't even look at them before,engaging my myself in all kinds of activities and even learning how to scold others for bullying me. The only reason for that is to help me to step out from the shadow of the past. The past just tortures me so much that I don't want to have anything associate with it anymore. But, the past is still part of me.I realized that nobody can walk away from the past no matter how hard she tries. There are countless times when I was bullied for trying to be nice to people. I thought they will understand that every single relationship is a gift from God so we need to appreciate people around us,especially those who love us. But then,people start to take advantage of me. It seems like I really need to protect myself from getting hurt again. But whenever that happen,I cry, asking myself why should I treat them so nice and end up hurting myself.I am so vulnerable and so weak. My heart has been broken so many times that I become a person who lives in the dark because I am too afraid that brightness will reveals all the pains that lies deep down in my heart. Maybe I should keep my sadness to myself even though it starts to be a burden for me.

Easy and Yummy Sweet and Sour Prawns

It only takes less than 15minutes to make it and it tastes very good.Guess what?I didn't use ready-made sweet and sour sauce this time.In fact,I make the sauce myself.

Bak Kut Teh

This is my first time cooking bak kut teh and I invited my senior to come over and hava a dinner with me. I am so happy when he said that it taste good and even better than those he made since this is my first trial. He even write "GOOD bak kut teh" in his msn display message right after he went back! Haha....I think the key behind cooking is patience because I have actually cooked the bak kut teh for 4 hours already. Maybe I will cooked it again next time and invite shamini to come over.

Missing you

Even though I hate to admit it,I really miss you. It makes me feel lonelier whenever I start missing you because I know somehow I shouldn't have that kinds of feelings anymore. The reason that I decided to write it on my blog is that I feel that I will only get scolded if I tell anybody about it. How can I miss someone that hurts me so much? I don't understand. Do you what is the cruelest things that you did to me? It is actually all the sweet promises that you made. So, every time I think of you,I feel a sharp knife stabbing my heart and then I cry. I can't face myself.I keep scolding myself for missing you. Is there greater pain than the pain of missing someone who hurts you so deep?

Building a tree of images

Here comes my current C++ assignment.I just glance through the spec for my latest C++ assignment and guess what?Things get even more tedious and interesting this time.I have to build a tree of images! How can this be done? The basic idea is to let the root of the tree to be the whole image and the tiny little pixels of the image to be the leaves for the tree. I was fascinated by the fact that people actually come up with this novel kinds of idea to represent colorful images in different ways. For my last assignment,I was told to represent the image using a list. Now, I learned a more efficient way to manipulate my image - using a tree. It seems to me that people have to struggle to make their program as efficient and as fast as possible. Is it that important to have greater speed in everything? Sigh....I just hope that I can complete this assignment as soon as possible.

Physics Reunion

Today is the first day of my first termal physics class of the semester.After eating a wonderful breakfast, I walk to my physics lecture hall.It has such a long time since I step into the same lecture hall.I was exited because I really miss the comfortable theater-like lecture hall.I like the lighting and the comfortable chair.I remember falling asleep almost every single time when I had my physics lecture over there. Once I step into the lecture hall, I saw my lecturer. He has white and curly hair just like those of Albert Einstein. Maybe the "physics people" just use their brain too much.Haha....Then when my first lecture actually begins, I found that how fun and interesting it is to have so many cool demonstration. Right after my first lecture,I have my discussion section. I realized that I have to make use of all the previous knowledge about momentum and kinetic energy which is a bad news for me because I just hate everything about kinematics.Then,I have a difficult time catching up in my discussion group because everybody just seems to be so smart.Sigh....At the end of the class,my TA comes up with a conclusion that most events that happens in nature are irreversible. Ya,at least I can apply physics in real life.Things that have done can rarely be re-done.

Sue yen,I made all your favorite food specially for you!